The struggle of moving on

Last updated: 24/11/2014 12:05 by AislingLyons to AislingLyons's Blog
Filed under: MummyBloggers
I look at all the early pregnancy predictor kits in the shops these days and they only cause me a moment's pause, but there was a time I stocked up on them. I don't even know what section of the chemist holds the ovulation indicators any more, but there was a time that I could grab them blinfolded. I look at my three children and know that my family is complete, but there was a time when there were two that I was tormented with the monthly thought of 'is this it for us?'.
 
Anyone who knows me will most likely have forgotten the 17 months when all I thought about was getting pregnant, being pregnant and staying pregnant. I know how incredibly and unbelievably lucky I was when I had just one, never mind the second and third and I really did think I was over the experience of those long months.
 
But then last week, the night before the anniversary of my first miscarried baby’s due date, (over four years ago I might add), my husband went to tuck in the kids. My eldest woke up and I heard them chatting and giggling conspiratorially. Suddenly I was overcome and reduced to tears that my 'first' Baby Number Three didn't make it. Bam, out of nowhere! Paul came out of the bedroom smiling, to see me bawling.
 
'What's wrong?' he asked me in concerned alarm. I felt so stupid saying that one of our babies had been due the next day, ( four years ago I reiterate). Even writing it down now I am giving out to myself for 'harping' on about it. But there it is, I have not forgotten the excitement of discovering I was pregnant, the unbelievable pain of discovering my baby had no heartbeat, and that my baby was due to be born on the 11th November 2010. I still think, what could I have done differently to hold on to my baby?
 
I know the answer is nothing.
 
I know nature (as cruel as it is) knew my baby wasn't viable.
 
I know this was over four years ago. The second miscarriage was just under four years ago, and that date is also firmly imprinted on my mind, as is that baby's due date of 16th July 2011.
 
I am writing this to stop myself from navel-gazing and just get on with things. I am writing this to embarrass myself out of this self-indulgent reminiscing.
 
But I am mostly writing this to acknowledge that the term 'miscarriage' is a misnomer, (for me anyway): I will always 'carry' those babies in my head and in my heart.
 
Aisling Lyons, is a mum-of-three from Co. Wicklow, with over 20 years experience in the childcare sector. She runs the lovely blog, Babysteps, where she aims to help parents struggling with the little and large problems that parenting young children can bring.
 
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