The things I will hate you for gifting my kids

You shouldn't have. No, really. You could have avoided the parking nightmares and the sweaty crush of shoppers if you had just stayed at home by the fire and put a note in an envelope. Actually, skip the envelope: You could have taken that piece of filthy lucre and shoved it directly into the palm of whichever of my children it was intended for.

 

In fact, much hassle could have been bypassed (and a great deal of seasonal goodwill been generated) had you simply given me the money. Because, let's be frank, many of the presents our kids receive are pretty awful. Before you berate me with cries of “Grinch!” consider the following:

 

Craft sets

Ah yes, the educational/creative gift; I'm all for any activity that peels my children's eyeballs away from anything with a screen, but not when that activity means I'm going to be hoovering drifts of glitter and tiny golden stars from now until June. And when my little darling creates something wonderful from toilet roll inserts and cotton wool, for how long precisely does it have to remain stuck on the fridge before I can discreetly bin it?

 

Musical instruments

If my children had any musical talent, they would be practising on a proper instrument – not some bright yellow plastic thing that I don't think Louis Armstrong would ever have mistaken for a trumpet. And even Louis Armstrong himself could never have produced anything resembling music from it anyway.

 

Pets

It is a fortunate accident that my children have reached double digits in robust health. Please don't assume that any other living creatures you might choose to deposit here might have a similarly lucky fate.

 

Science kits

How could anything that involves me spending hours reading through instructions (and still getting the experiments wrong and making a really unpleasant and persistent stain on the carpet) be considered a gift?

 

Gifts for the parents

And if you are buying a present for an adult, walk straight past those oil and vinegar sets. In fact, avoid anything kitchen-oriented, no matter how cute that nutmeg grater/cappuccino whisk/pie bird looks. (Yes, a pie bird is a ceramic bird that you put in a pie. I don't know why either, and I don't care).

 

Don't think I'm ungrateful, but do remember that it's the thought that counts. Think about that gift…and then just give me the cash.