20 things I have learnt since having a 2-year-old

Welcome to the terrible twos! I'm sure you will relate to this! 

1. My Mum friends are angels sent from parenting heaven and rescue me from myself and my son at least twice a week. Huge thanks to each and every one of you gorgeous awesome women. If you are thinking of doing NCT or joining a baby group, DO IT. They will give you the best friends ever. 

2. Parenting is hard. Not just a little...but like a constant-battle hard. It involves maneuvers, planning, changing plans, learning, screwing it up and acing it. None of which anyone ever really notices apart from you. 

3. Getting dressed up to go out now means changing my top (and hoping it isn't on inside out) and reapplying my deodorant. All possible opportunities to be glamorous are O V E R.

4. If I do go out I am drunk after 3 drinks and then suffer at least a 2-day headache.

5. My new handbag accessory is a tea lady in case the music takes me over and I start jumping up and down aggressively to Rick Astley / Take That / Nirvana (delete as appropriate)

6. You can cook waffles (of the Birds Eye potato kind) in the toaster and they are AWESOME and are done in minutes. Do it immediately! Life changer.

7. Wearing Spanx...even two years after giving birth brings back your piles. Try it and see! (Actually, don't)

8. Other peoples kids are always better sleepers, better eaters, better sharers. Actually, that's not true at all but that's how it feels ALL THE TIME.

9. Having been diagnosed with a prolapse 18 months after giving birth I began to do my pelvic floor exercises. I was desperate to stop the weeing whenever and wherever my bladder fancied letting some go. Two weeks of pelvic floor exercises later and ta daaaa, I have much less incontinence as a result. So basically I should have done more exercise.... well, that's annoying

10. When a friend tells you they are pregnant with number two, you tell them how happy you are for them. On the inside you think “how could you do this to me...we were in a club...the club of one child and as it is so hard we aren't having another and you've betrayed me”. At least until you become pregnant with your second child, of course, and then you skip merrily into a whole new club.

11. Going to see a gynecologist is now much more stressful and grim than before. That is unless, like my recent surprise, you realise he is the guy who delivered your baby.

12. Saying to the same guy, “well at least you've been up there before...crack on sunshine” does not make a male gynecologist laugh and any attempt by you to giggle it off is met by an icy silence! Woops. I still think its funny :)

13. Parenting is the most and least rewarding thing you can ever do

14. Despite living in a society where we are (supposedly) able to make decisions free from judgement every time I say I've chosen to stay at home people glaze over and move on to chat to someone else.

15. When your toddler falls into a small but perfectly formed grave for your grandparent's ashes very few people find it funny. I, however, seem to have developed a much darker sense of humour since having a toddler and I'm not going to lie...I guffawed. He landed on his wonderful 97-year-old great nanny and I know she would have loved that.

16. All parents hide how much TV their children watch. If their child doesn't watch any, it's generally because they are at nursery all the time or they have a Nanny. For everyone else, there is Nanny TV.

17. Even now being away from my son for more than a few hours I miss him...even if he tried to headbutt me that morning. Mother nature has this love thing nailed.

18. No toys can possibly compare with a saucepan cupboard, oven trays or a walk down your street looking at the world.

19. Having a newborn isn't easy at all.. but its definitely much more predictable than having a toddler. We should all enjoy those early days and the wonderful daytime naps as much as is possible. Next time someone says 'let's go out for coffee/cake/walk/baby massage/soft play etc' say thanks but no thanks. Then invite them over and make the most of watching every box set ever before your days are spent focused entirely on making sure your little one doesn't impale/burn/injure themselves.  

20. Don't bother buying the very expensive and good for the world bubble bath if you actually want to give your toddler any bubbles in the bath. Buy MATEY - its the original and the best and cheaper too (sorry world)

That's it so far... let me know what else I should add!



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