I have two boys.
They are perfect, loving, sometimes grumpy boys. They are my everything. I love them in ways I didn’t even know was possible. Now, I’m not going to lie, I was 99% sure that Grayson was a girl. I was team yellow with both of mine and loved the surprise. I was not ready for the surprise of being told that Grayson was a boy after he was born, another little boy.
After a few days (maybe weeks) it hit me, that I would never have a little girl. The mums best friend, the mother of the bride, getting them ready for prom, Disney films, mum and daughter days. It hit me hard.
We always said two children (even though recently we have discussed a third – still weighing up pros and cons, and at the moment I have more cons than pros!)
So with that thought in mind, I started thinking that one day they won’t need their mum anymore. They need me now, they need me to kiss their boo-boo's, they need me to wipe away their tears, they need me to tuck them in at night, they need me to dress them, feed them, look after them and to tell them how proud I am of them and how loved they are, forever and always, to infinity and beyond and of course, to the moon and back. I take care of them now, they need me. No one else.
I teach them to be compassionate, loving, friendly and courteous. I teach them to run with their imagination, follow their dreams and never give up. I cherish their cuddles and kisses and little snuggles of a morning, because one day, their girlfriend will replace me in my role. The kisses will stop, so will the cuddles and the excitement to tell me what has happened in my day. Instead of telling me, they will be telling their girlfriend.
Again, that’s when it hit me. My partner see’s his mum once a week, I don’t want to become that mum sitting there looking out the window or waiting by the phone so I can hear their voices when they have a spare minute in their busy schedule.
The following quote goes through my head, every. single. day.
“A son is a son ’til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life. ”
I sit there and wonder if they would treat their girlfriends with the love and respect they give me? Will their girlfriends love them as much as I do?
I don’t want to be the mum who sees their son once a week, or once every two weeks. I want them to come home, to be able to bring their girlfriends home and feel comfortable with me. I want them to still be able to give me a kiss on my cheek and call me with their news, I’m scared to lose them to their future partners because let's face it, it will happen.
I don’t want to be a monster in law, even though I probably will be – no one will ever be good enough for my sons, will they? It will be a bittersweet moment, one I think about a hell of a lot.
It broke my heart when my eldest started school, even then I could feel him slipping through my fingers. The reality is, one day, I am going to have to let go. It’s life. Until then, I will love my boys fiercely and teach them as well as I can to be the best they can and enjoy every single mummy moment. The sloppy kisses, the warm snuggles and the sneaking into our bed of an evening.
Even though we never had a girl, we still get to watch Disney films, I will be mother of the groom, I will get my son's ready for prom, have our mum and son days, and I will always be their best friends (whether they want me to be or not) it's just the expectation and society that makes you feel like you can only do these things with daughters. When in reality, we can do all of that and more.
I would like to hear your comments on how you feel about this? Do you have only boys? How did you find letting go? Why is there shame in admitting we wanted a gender we don't have?