The time is almost upon us, Saturday morning I am leaving you alone with the kids for 2 nights and 3 whole days for the first time ever. I'm sorry but this girls weekend is desperately needed!
First things first.. BUCKLE UP!
I've left out outfits for every day so you have no excuse to send me a picture of Riley in Jesse's baby clothes and Evie wearing Riley's Halloween pumpkin costume because, honestly, I wouldn't put it past you.
If you're leaving the house, bring nappies because you know our kids love nothing more than a good old shite in public places.
Evie likes to wait until we are at the 'stay and play' session so when you take her and Jesse into the changing table, keep a close eye on Jesse because he will without a doubt put his hand down the toilet and take a drink.
While we're on the subject of shit, if Riley asks you to dress him for bed in the early afternoon it's simply because he wants to take a shit and needs pull-ups because he won't brave the toilet and won't just outright say "I need to take a dump", just give him the god damn nappy because I don't want to come home to a couch of skid marks. Lovely.
3pm: This is crucial for your sanity. Do not ignore this.
This time of day is what I like to call the asylum hour, although it lasts much longer than that! Get out of the house.. run and don't look back, it will be the death of you if you choose to stay indoors! They may lead you into false pretences and make you think staying at home is a good idea but don't be fooled. Our children are master manipulators.
3.05pm: You will be faced with what looks like three drunk and rowdy seventeen-year-olds on the night of their exam results; one will cry over anything, one will most definitely try and fight you, and the other won't know if they're coming or going. But remember, if you need back up, our neighbour is a policeman!
Don't worry, your hard work will pay off when you return from the park as you will have surely earned an hour of TV time for the little monsters and a bit of peace for yourself. Well, I say peace but Evie won't watch the TV and this is her time to practice her Tina Turner vocals, just pick her up and save your ears.
I have sorted all the dinners but have also stocked up on fish fingers as I'm sure everything I've left will be given the royal two fingers up by Riley.
And for when all your chips are down, I've charged his tablet and stocked up on bribes!
But look, no matter how hard it gets, do not sell the kids on eBay - we will need them when the tables turn and we're old and senile!
Good luck. Just try to avoid eye contact with all three of them for the whole weekend and you'll do just fine! They can sense your fear.
P.S. my secret stash of alcohol is on the top shelf if you need it