Dear Parents,

 

Welcome to school life. Here is everything you need to know...

 

We are delighted to report that Marvellous Me, the communication tool/ application we use to send messages to parents, can only be used for positive feedback. For example, this app will tell you when your child has stopped dicking around with stickle bricks and tidied them up without being prompted. You’ll receive a push notification, he/ she will receive a ‘digital badge’ and so we know you’ve seen the message we ask you to respond by sending us an electronic ‘high five.’ It’s pretty rad, huh? Don’t worry, we’re sure you’ll get the hang of it by year 3.

 

Now, onto the sensitive stuff. Should your child disobey any instructions or rules in class, such as going to the toilet without asking, we won’t use the aforementioned apps and instead will pull you aside for a quick ‘word’ at hometime. We appreciate that as a new school Mum/Dad, during this interlude you will feel like the worst parent in the world. We’re told it takes parents back to their own heady school days and reignites feelings of powerlessness and vulnerability. Sorry about that.

 

Let us assure you, this will not be the last time you hear something you don’t want to hear about your child. We’re not here to raise them, we are here to facilitate learning. We need to work together as a team. If we appear curt, or direct, please bear with us. We have a LOT of children to look after. Come 3.15pm, we just wanna finish up and get the hell outta here to do the 4 hours of marking at home. In a quiet room. With chocolate.

 

Most of the children we look after are brilliant, but some struggle and it’s often difficult to explain how you can help them to learn and play effectively.  Sometimes kids need more sleep, less sugar and some time apart from Peppa Pig, but we can’t tell you these things outright as no one likes being told how to parent. So instead, we have developed a variety of ways to subliminally slip messages into your subconscious, by using all of the mediums available to us.

 

We communicate using apps (as mentioned), letters (like this), notes in book bags (usually about reading or more stuff about tidying up), tweets (live update – yr 2 are winning the netball match), newsletters (stop parking right outside the school, you selfish blighters) and of course the dreaded “Can I have a word” chats at the end of the school day. It’s a lot to keep up with, isn’t it? Try being us for a day, we’re so overwhelmed we’ve developed a variety of ticks and twitches. Most of us are considering giving up teaching and becoming dog walkers. Or pilots. Or IT Technicians. Anything with less responsibility, fewer hours and better pay.

 

We would also like to take this opportunity to ask that all children have clearly labelled shirts, ties, sweaters, book bags, water bottles, shoes, heads, shoulders, knees and toes. Then we can tell what belongs to who before we turn all the items of clothing the right way round, so the labels are hidden, and throw them into the uniform box. Watching you parents rifle through this with a starving child hanging off you screaming ‘where’s my snack’ is properly lolz.

 

We enjoy teaching your children. We have to – otherwise, we couldn’t do it. The hours, the pressure, the workload, it’s made worth it when we see your little tykes grow into confident, enthusiastic children. But we can’t do it alone. You need to be ringside with a bucket, a dry towel and some nit shampoo. These things are important. At some point, we’re all gonna need them.

 

Thank you in advance for your cooperation. Oh, and in case you missed the message (we’re not even sure which method of communication we used to send it), you have until next Monday to teach your child 16 ‘tricky words,’ help them learn the lyrics to ‘All things bright and beautiful’ and build a croquembouche replica from conkers.

 

Have a lovely weekend. ;-)

 

Your class teacher.

I am a mum of two little critters, 3 and 4 years old - and I've recently given up my paid job to be a stay at home Mum and do all the school stuff. Oh, and to write.

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