The mortification.
How do you react when your child hits another? It is especially difficult when you are beyond the toddler years and your child really should know better.
Although deep down we know that he's lashing out because he's overwhelmed or scared, but we still feel like it's an emergency. His actions trigger our "fight or flight" response -- and suddenly our child looks like the bad guy. We usually take dramatic punishing action. And the cycle continues.
But what if you knew that they were probably just scared. Aggressive behaviour can often flare when your child is afraid. They revert to lashing out when his or her fears are triggered. I know this is the case with my son.
As hard as it is to believe, aggression is a normal part of a five-year-olds development. It’s fair to say that almost every child at this age will occasionally grab a toy from a classmate or kick and yell from time to time. This can be caused by fear; your child might lash out if he feels intimidated by a classmate or forced into a situation they don't feel comfortable in.
Other triggers have more to do with circumstance and less to do with instinct. Your five-year-old is adjusting to a new schedule at school and learning a host of new skills. Therefore, it’s understandable that he can easily become frustrated with everything he’s trying to accomplish and end up lashing out. There will also be times when your child will simply be tired and hungry and won’t know what to do about it, so he responds by yelling, hitting or throwing a tantrum.
The good news is that your five-year-old will outgrow most of this aggressive behaviour. At this age, his language skills are pretty developed and he should be discovering that he can use words instead of fists and feet to solve his problems.
Your child will also learn from experience that he gets better results from talking out a dispute than he does from hitting. During this period of aggression, you will need to guide your five-year-old to an aggression-free approach to life and keep an eye out for deeper issues that could be at play.
Here are some top tips for parents who are at their wits end trying to control their little scrapper:
1. Preempt the hitting
While we cannot be everywhere with our little ones, the best prevention is empathy and removal from the situation. Preventive maintenance (where possible) keeps your child in a better emotional state so he's less likely to hit or end up in trouble for lashing out.
2. Breathe
It is important to take a moment and regulate yourself before you can regulate them. Lower your voice, breath deeply and help show your child how to blow off their tension in a safe way. Then, remind yourself that he is hitting because he is scared and he also needs compassion.
3. Avoid the blame game
You can help your child develop empathy by pointing out the consequences of her hitting: "Ouch, Emma is hurt...hitting hurts!" But making your child feel like a bad person is also counterproductive. Make sure they acknowledge that they have hurt someone else, encourage them to apologise for their behaviour and then take them aside to speak to them about their behaviour and reinforce what they should have done instead.
4. Consistency
Remember you are trying to develop their muscle memory when it comes to controlling their impulses. Try practising on a toy: This stuffed animal tries to grab your truck. See? You are so mad and want to hit him. But you remember there are other things you can do instead. Go over it a few times so they start to get the picture.
5. Acknowledge your own feelings
If this is a regular occurrence, you are sure to have some big feelings about this. You will feel fear that you are not doing enough or that you are a bad parent. As with everything, remind yourself that this too shall pass, especially if you are consistent.
Feel these feelings and then move on. You will be better able to help your child if you let go of the anger and focus on the positive aspects of what you can do to help your child mature into the amazing person you know they are.
