Who am I?
Honestly, I am not sure anymore.
I got an email from MummyPages this evening containing my login details along with the simple request of a two line bio of who I am and a photo.
Well, that got me thinking, we as humans are inherently complex beings.
Surely two lines is not enough to sum up me? Is it? I am lots of things, I am a mummy, I am a girlfriend, I am a daughter, I am an auntie, I am a friend, I am a boss, I am a colleague, the list goes on and on. But I realise that is what I am, not who I am.
If I have to sum up who I am, well it leaves me truly stumped.
Two years ago I was a self-assured, confident woman who had goals and set out to achieve them no matter the cost. I worked hard and took pride in my achievements.
Once my beautiful baby girl was born I disappeared a little. I didn't notice at first, I expected everyone to coo over my precious bundle, it made me proud. But as time went on I started to notice no one ever asked how I was, I got 1000 questions about my baby but not one simple 'how are you?'
Those first months I was so sleep deprived, exhausted and knee deep in nappies, bottles, and laundry that I didn't notice my lack of 'me' time and I didn't notice the lack of friends around me.
The world kept turning and I stood still. I had this new life of nowhere to be, nothing to do that didn't revolve around this tiny person.
I adjusted to this life, this leisurely pace. I got up when the baby got up, sacked off plans if I didn't feel like going to. I embraced and enjoyed just being a mummy.
One night when the baby was tucked up in bed and my boyfriend and I got some rare grown up time he said to me 'I've missed you, I don't come home to you anymore, I only come home to mummy.' It hit me like a punch to the stomach, I was gone. Absorbed into this new role with no trace of who I used to be.
Now with my return to work imminent, I lie awake at night wondering what's next, will I become the old me? a
Am I too far gone? How will I ever balance being me and being mummy? Am I about to become yet another version of me?
So who am I?
I'm still working it out.