MummyPages mum Claire Kirby creates a hilarious list of kids gifts that shes banned

I love a good list.  I’m not exclusive.  I normally have at least 10 different lists on the go an any time. Even more so at this time of the year. These lists include Christmas lists for the small people.  There are toys that will not be going on the Christmas list.

Over the years I have learned to filter these lists to stop undesirable toys getting in through the door. This year I am thinking of operating a doorman style policy on Christmas presents.  You know, if your name’s not down, you’re not coming in.

Thats not going on the Christmas list

If you think about it your Mum probably operated the same policy.  If you are rapidly approaching your forties like me, there would have been a time when you would have longed for a Mr Frosty machine.  My Mum never let me have one.  She said they were a waste of money.  Years later I bought one for the husband.  My Mum was right.

Although I have a sneaking suspicion that if one of my Mum’s Grandchildren were to ask for a Mr Frosty, they would get one.

Gifts that will not gain entry to the toy boxes include:

1. Toys Big Enough To Pay Their Own Rent

Too Big!

Seriously, where am I supposed to keep it?  It’s bigger than my biggest child and he has taken over the entire house as it is!  That thing needs it’s own bed.

2. Toys With No Volume Control

I don’t mind singing and dancing toys.  I’m often wondering around the house singing catchy little numbers such as “I'm a friendly light up bear”  But there are some toys out there that are louder than a room full of 5 year olds off their nuts on sugar.  If the toy gives me a headache, or the desire to rip my own ears off and shove my head in the oven, it’s gone.

3. Toys That Eat Batteries

Since having children there is a drawer in my home purely devoted to batteries.  Big ones, small ones, round ones, rectangular ones.  They are all in there.  This drawer is kept well stocked and is replenished as regularly as the fridge.  But some toys are greedy.  They consume far too much juice, and always need replenishing.  Normally the ones that have the tiniest screw in the world to get to the battery compartment.  Needy toys need not enter my abode.

4. Things That Make A Mess

I am quite happy to colour in with my small people, paint, bake cakes.  I’ll even get the Play-Doh out and turn a blind eye when they start mixing up the colours and treading it into the carpet.  But I drawer the line at glitter.  Glitter is not just for Christmas.  Glitter is for life. You just can’t get rid of it.  Glitter was banned in my house after the 2008 disaster.  Incidentally this was prior to small people entering our lives.  

I bought the most beautiful Christmas wrapping paper from M&S.  Rolls and rolls of it.  It wasn’t just any wrapping paper, it was glittery gold wrapping paper.  Glitter that didn’t stay on the paper and infiltrated everything within a mile radius.  Every time I finished wrapping gifts for the evening my husband would have to hoover me.  Then the lounge.  We were finding the stuff everywhere.  Come Christmas relatives were cursing us and striking us from next years Christmas list, as we bought their glitter wrapped gifts into their homes and spread the mess further. Everything that glittered was in fact gold.

5. Toys That Require A Degree In Engineering To Get It Out Of The Box

Seriously, What is with all the screws and cable ties?  Have the manufactures been watching a little too much Toy Story?  My small person is chomping at the bit to play with their new pride and joy, but they are going to have to wait for an hour whilst five adults attempt to get it out of the box.

Unwelcome toys are normally bought by:

a) Those without children

b) Those who had children before you, and are now getting their own back for all the annoying gifts you bought their kids when you were clueless.

c) Grandparents – there are no rules for grandparents.  Anything goes.

What would you like to ban from the Christmas list?

I'm Claire, Mum to two boys. One that never stops talking, and one that never stands still. Between them and my husband, I am completely outnumbered.  I live in the south of England in a house built of Lego.  Well, I could if I wanted, we have so much of the stuff!  I'll be your BFF if you supply me with chocolate, Prosecco, or Gerard Butler.  
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