Our whole lives are now basically split into two areas: pre-kids and posts kids. And God love us, but we had so many good intentions before we had children. Intentions that now make us laugh now, hysterically, so hard in fact that we find it hard to stop.
How oh how could we have been so innocent and naïve and SMUG?
1. My kids are going to eat EVERYTHING I cook
POST-KIDS: “Choo, choo, here comes the aeroplane, I mean the train, I mean the… oh God please just eat for mummy. I thought you liked yoghurt? You said you liked yoghurt. You promised you liked yoghurt!”
2. My kids will never lie to me
POST-KIDS: “Oh, Santa crawled into the press and ate all the good chocolate biscuits did he? Oh, he came down the chimney did he? In July? In an apartment that doesn’t have a chimney?”
3. I’m never going to use the phrases I hated as a child!
POST-KIDS: Do you think this house is a hotel? What did your last slave die of? Do you think money grows on trees? Are your socks going to pick themselves up? Don’t us that tone with me madam! OOPS.
4. I’m going to puree organic parsnips and carrots EVERY day for their lunch!
POST-KIDS: So that’s been chicken nuggets, what, three times this week already?
5. I’m going to make sure they only watch telly for 30 minutes each day
POST-KIDS: “What’s that honey? You want to re-watch the entire Cinderella DVD even though you’ve watched it twice today already? Well you go right ahead, mummy will be over here reading Heat magazine.”
6. I’ll never get caught up in petty boasting about my children
POST-KIDS: “Oh your little Tommy can spell Mediterranean? And he’s only four? How darling. Well MY little angel can explain Einstein’s theory of relativity and he’s only three. So how about that huh?”
7. I’ll never shout at my kids, I don’t think it’ll resolve anything
POST-KIDS: “THE STATE OF THE KITCHEN HOW DARE YOU LEAVE IT IN SUCH A DISGUSTING MESS AM I YOUR SLAVE TIDY THE CHEERIOS OFF THE FLOOR THIS INSTANT OR YOU’RE GROUNDED FOR A YEAR!”
8. I’m going to teach my kids not to touch / destroy my things
POST-KIDS: (Surrounded by devastation and destruction.) Why do my lovely children just want to sit back and watch the world burn?
9. Whining will never work on me, I’ll stand firm
POST KIDS: (For the past hour.) Kids: “Muuuuum, muuuum, muuuum, can I, can I, can I?” Us: “Will it make you stop whinging?” Kids: “Yes.” Us: “Okay then.”
10. Wow, I haven’t missed alcohol at all while pregnant! I’m SO going to continue not drinking even after I have the baby!
POST KIDS: Give me every bottle of wine that was ever created, and make it quick. Thank you.
Can you relate mums? We can, BIG time! What are the things you promised yourself that went out the window as soon you became a mam? We’d love to hear them!
