You can't ever imagine you will love someone as much as you love your first child.

 

How is there enough room in your heart when it is already just so full?

 

But there is a lot more room than you think and I have learnt that a mother's love is tireless, endless and immeasurable.

 

We made the unusual decision of having another baby when my daughter was just six months old. That perfect age where you are finally getting a little more sleep, you feel more like your "old self" and your baby is starting to do super-fun things like sit up and giggle. It is that gap in time before you realise how busy you will be when they start moving and after the night feeds have drained the life out of you.

 

It is the perfect window of biological opportunity to trick parents into having more children quickly.  And it worked on us.

 

Surprisingly, we got pregnant immediately and suddenly I found myself heavily pregnant and planning a first birthday party.

 

And then it hit me - it would no longer be the three of us. We had only just come to terms with what it meant to be a little family and that was changing again. It was transitioning so fast that I struggled to mentally keep up with my emotions. How would my daughter cope with having to share our love? How would we cope with another baby?

 

Up until then, the new baby had just been a concept, but as my due date approached I was increasingly apprehensive about the changes that were coming down the line.

I also had a new fear - a fear about anything happening to me that could leave my child motherless. Perhaps an overly emotional thought but as I faced into my second c-section I realised how relied upon I was for two vulnerable scraps of humans.

 

The night before I went into hospital I was overcome with emotion. This little girl wouldn't be my baby anymore (despite being a complete baby who had just learnt to walk)

 

Her gummy little smile was oblivious to my sentimental tears as I tucked her into her cot. "You will always be my baby girl" I whispered to her, choking up as her little hands reached up for a hug. I won't ever forget that moment.

 

Then new joy - another monumental moment when my son burst into our lives. I instantly felt overwhelming love and fierce protection. I was now a mum of two...imagine. How could I ever have questioned if I had enough love for this delicious squidge with his button nose and soft warm skin?

 

 

And then the moment I was half dreading, half excited about- the moment when my hospital door opened slowly and my little girl scrambled onto my hospital bed for a hug. This wasn't the same little girl I had said goodbye to two days before. Her features now seeming so much bigger beside the newest member of our little family. Seeing her fascination over her little brother brought another thought, a thought I had never considered.

 

We had brought her a sibling - a family member who would be there hopefully long after we had left this world - they could look out for each other, always have each other's backs and always love each other. And as she stroked his little baby fingers I was crying again, crying tears of joy and pride and love.

 

This is motherhood - an emotional trip that throws up all sorts of feelings you never knew you had... and then some.

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