When you’re pregnant there has GOT to be some up-sides apart from the pending arrival of your lovely baby.


I feel pregnancy is a great time to really take the piss at work. Loads of people won’t think you’re coming back anyway. So having a good old doss will really throw them all off the scent when you actually come back. And more importantly, expectations will be at a new-found low given your recent performance. If you’re at home this still applies- Is your partner really going to ask you did you get a chance to hover the stairs today?


Of course, while pregnant you are entitled to sit anywhere you want and at anytime. Old people can trump your pregnancy if they have a stick or something or if they’re really old, like 2 foot tall, Yoda old. It’s also important to note that public transport has to play by your rules now, buses anyway. If you don’t have enough change no bus driver will refuse you, this is fact.


You are now entitled to have a cry anytime you feel like it, and for any reason or equally no reason at all. You are now officially always right on all matters. Yes, you were technically before but it’s great to have any muddy waters in this regard cleared up now. I found this most helpful when it came to food demands of any description at any time of the day or night. It won’t be long coming and you’ll be doing night feeds, so you have to get used to looking at the full 24 hours in a day anyway.


Milk, milk, milk away my friends, this is why people call it a precious time. You didn’t think it was the maternity wear, did you? But, and there’s always a but, proceed with caution. Be careful around other mothers. This shit won’t fly. You’ll have to dial it down a tad. Like any good performer, know your audience.


Also, milking it does not mean moaning. It’s more about perks of the position. This may be tough to hear but nobody cares. Mick in accounts does not care if you have swollen ankles, he’s single and still living at home. Francine at reception isn’t really THAT interested. She’s busy looking at apartments in Lanzarote. The odd thing about pregnancy is it’s a miracle and yet so bloody mundane to anyone who isn’t directly invested. Think of yourself as a silent partner in this elite club. 


That brings me neatly to the people who aren’t important. This ‘precious’ time does allow you to get out of any function or commitment you want to bail on at the drop of a hat, no questions. Never have you had a better excuse for being a flaky bitch. That wedding you were invited to by your friend from college cousins aunty’s neighbour can be marked off the list.  Or Uncle Davey’s 80th in the arse end of Leitrim, skip it. Sure you can catch him at the funeral soon enough.


Having fun with your pregnancy can be so much more than non-alcoholic beers and taking ‘wacky photos’ of your belly. Go out there and be the bitch you’ve always wanted to be and know that you can. But you didn’t hear it from me, right?!

My name is Emma Doran and I’m a comedian. I live in Dublin with my partner Shane and our 3 children. Ella 14, Joe 4 and Tommy 2. We have 2 dogs Twiggy and Stan (mother and son). We also have a cat Coco that stops by now and then but Stan fancies her so it’s a whole thing now.

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