I'm in turmoil at the moment!
They are growing, changing and getting more independent every day. Soooooo much of me wants to just be present and relish all the moments with these little people! I've got a serious dose of mama guilt.
Isn't it incredible how the tiniest of humans which we magically grew, can lead us to feelings of failure and not being good enough on the daily? It's totally not their fault at all, I think it's that we love them so goddamn much that we just want everything to be perfect, like, all of the time! And, I know that's completely unrealistic - like rationally I know this, but it doesn't help me feeling, man I could really have been more present there, or I could've done with an extra dollop of patience here. And whilst we're at it, pass me the coffee, because, let's get real here - parenting is hard! Amazing, rewarding, fulfilling, yes, but that doesn't take away from the struggle. And the struggle can be very real!
What I want is to be that successful, well (ish) groomed, got it all together mother who is vibrant, joyful, living in the moment throwing stones on the beach with her kids without a care in the world. Where the hell is she?
SO, WHAT'S THE DEAL?
My current dilemma is work. Yup, that thing that brings in the dollars. I opted out of teaching and opted into bridal hairstyling for a few reasons.
1. I get to be my own boss. This was probably one of the biggest deciding factors if I'm honest.
2. I kept getting asked to do weddings, love hair and I guess I'm pretty good at it ;)
3. I 'thought' I'd get to choose my own hours, and spend lots of time with the kids. Simples. Right?
But guess what? That dreamy scenario ain't so rosy all of the time! I have my struggles just like you, mama. Mine currently is, I cannot seem to switch off, unplug and just be.
I've discovered that being your own boss is tiring, consuming even! You run the whole show, answer all the emails, do all the social media. All the while juggling being a mama and making the time to stop, try avoid eye-rolling, be present and listen to the story about how teddy has hurt his foot, or watch as my baby puts his sock on for the first time, or my preteen offloads about the latest drama. You know those seemingly unimportant, life-changing moments that occur hourly in the lives of our kids. All the while my brain is listing off to-do lists and reminding me of ALL the things I'm not getting done right now that needed to be done, like yesterday!
And don't even get me started on being the perfect housewife, domestic goddess dinner on the (clean) table kinda wifey that society has somehow told us we should be. I mean come on, scrape my weary body off the ground. Ya feel me?
Feeling a little lost, lonely and unfulfilled last year, I set up the blog because I love to write and share this crazy journey of life and motherhood and connect with others along the way. Sadly, that doesn't pay the bills, but hey, if you're offering!? But seriously, my poor blog that I have so many ideas, hopes and plans for is just neglected. Like, where is the time?
And I chose this, I know. And most of the time I wouldn't change it for the world because I've three amazing little people that depend on me, a husband that adores me, and clients that are thrilled to book me. And yes, I also do get to be at home a lot more than some, even if I feel like some kind of circus act 90% of the time graceless, juggling all the balls in the air.
So, why am I sharing this? Well because maybe there is no perfect scenario! I thought mine was after all.....and I say this with conviction, because when I was a SAHM full time I was constantly thinking about what I should do and still struggled with presence, albeit less I'll admit!
WHAT'S THE POA?
I'm a planner, I need to plan for things to be better. It helps me feel I've control over the uncontrollable. So, right now I'm planning to plan and sharing with you as I go. You could say this is just one big splurge of what's going on in my overworked mind! So what is my POA?
Ok, so I know after the mother of all bitching sessions above you'd find it hard to believe I'm grateful. And, yet I am, so very grateful!! I just need reminding regularly and what better way than a daily gratitude practice? I used to do it in the morning and I'm making it a priority again! Listing off all I'm grateful for is transformative and shifts my perspective fairly instantly. Plus it's an excuse to go buy some pretty new stationery, ya know if you needed an excuse!
When Wednesday comes and you're to do list is a quarter done, there are toys everywhere, little people screaming to be fed, the floors haven't been mopped, hell, you haven't showered since Monday, you can start to feel and smell a little shitty. It's all about priorities because I'm slowly learning that I just can't do it all. And if I haven't planned then, I'm getting SFA done.
Making time to plan and get organised before you're too far down the rabbit hole is a must. And when I say you, I mean me, because I am definitely doing some self-talk right there. I'm thinking Sunday evening needs to be the ritual time for me and I need to check in daily and tick off and prioritise so that, ya know, there are basics in the fridge. I'm currently using a Filofax/ self-made bullet journal, or bujo if you're cool, which I'm not.
Amen to help
I am a self-confessed control freak. I like to do it all. All of the mothering, all of the cooking, all of the working...yawn!!! It's time to hand over the reins, well some of them anyway. So, whether it's a babysitter, a cleaner, a nanny, a friend you can do swapsies with. Say yes, take it all!
Schedule (non) Mama time
Possibly the most important. Something I continually overlook, undervalue and yet crave. That's why you'll find me hiding out in the toilet, closet, hair studio once my hubby comes home. Time to debrief. Unwind. Not be the mom, not be wifey, not be boss lady. Just be me. Because there's a whole lot more to me than those three titles and I don't want to forget that! So here's to catching up with a friend alone, having a facial, alone.....taking a walk....alone!! Basically, anything that you love doing, not kid related that is good for your soul....ALONE!
Meditation and yoga for me. It might be pumping sweat in the gym for you. But quieting the mind is literally the key to happiness. I'm convinced! When I quieten my mind, and more precisely that negative self-talk... I get that peace-lovin', hippie vibin', everything's gonna be all right groove on. And it is, in fact, it's going to be awesome!
So why am I doing all of this? Well, because I want to get back to what's really important. And that's having the peace of mind to enjoy the moments with the people I love!
Oh, and give yourself a break mama, we are all so hard on ourselves!!