I hadn’t been feeling myself for a while. I wasn’t depressed as such but I wasn’t living either, I was floating somewhere in between, trying to go unnoticed.
I wasn’t enjoying my day to day life, I wasn’t making the most of my kids, I was shying away from reality and hoping a solution to all my woes would come and hit me in the face one day. I would moan and complain, but not try to fix any of the problems, again - waiting on that solution to come knocking on my door.
I was down about my weight and appearance, not wanting to look at myself, hating my body yet I comfort ate and made it worse. I would complain I have no time to look after myself or wash my god damn hair but when I did get the time I was too exhausted or simply too lazy to do it.
I was full of excuses and reasons why I couldn’t do this or that. I had an answer for everything, why I couldn’t leave the house, or why I cancelled that appointment, or why I wouldn’t see my friends. It’s easier to let your excuse be something or someone else but yourself, because if you blame yourself then you’re admitting to being the problem.
One day over Christmas I had a realisation, life WILL go on without me, everyone around me will tire of my excuses. Only I can change the problem, only I can change me. So that’s what I’m now doing.
I took a break from social media and Snapchat for a week and I worked on myself.
I did a lot of thinking. I realised my problem is that I don’t live for the moment, I don’t live in the now. When I make excuses, my answer is always “in the future”. Things will be better in the future when I do this and change that. They were only ever to get me out of doing anything now!
I spoke to my husband, he was really impressed with me for admitting how I was feeling and talking to him about it which made me feel great. I was not put on this earth to make anyone’s life miserable, especially not the main person that works very hard to make mine so great. So, I made a promise, to work harder on myself for him, for my kids and for me, to get out more, leave my comfort zone, take more pride in myself and stop making excuses.
Anxiety is avoiding the world, avoiding life, avoiding the truth, but when you’re feeling down, try to keep an aim at getting back up, don’t spiral, don’t let it get a hold of you for too long.
My husband told me today he sees a big difference in me over the past few days, I’m laid back and getting out more, he said the house is more peaceful and life seems a little easier. I honestly didn’t even realise I’d made such a big change already until he mentioned it, but he’s right and it’s because I’m trying. Surprisingly it is not actually as hard as I thought it would be.
Today, I started slimming world and although it’s only day one, I feel amazing. Because I know this time I’m going to see it through, I’m going to love myself again.
If you're feeling down or not yourself, try to always remember the ladder you stepped down off is still there waiting for you to climb back up. I don’t like to think I’m working on a new me for the new year, I like to think it’s going to be forever. Aim high and look after yourself!