As parents, there is so much that can challenge us, and that’s often on a daily basis!
Like everything, some issues or scenarios are more difficult to deal with than others, and it feels like a parent needs to be one step ahead all the time. As you know, it’s not always as easy as that. When we come up against a particular situation - whether it is behaviour, fussy eating, sleeping or toilet training - it really does help when we take a step back to look at the overall picture. Take into account what the pattern might be, what may have triggered the behaviour, and then decide the best plan of action for everybody involved. We can usually gather advice together as a couple; or some seek support from family, friends, reading articles and books or getting outside professional support through support groups.
What is so important here, is taking it on together: co-parent. Stick to what you have said by following through on decisions and consequences, show that you mean what you say, and that all adults are consistent and give the same message – I know it all looks good on paper, but when you have to practice it, it can be a lot trickier than we think!
I guarantee you, though; it pays off in the end. Here are a few pointers to get you started.
Pick your moments to make a plan
No matter what, when you know something has to change, take the opportunity to discuss it when there is little or no pressure. Don’t try to sort things as you’re heading out the door in the mornings, or at 3am as (yet again) your night-time visitor comes looking for a cuddle until wake-up time! When we’re exhausted or under a lot of pressure, little or nothing seems achievable, so that’s why giving ourselves the time, opportunity and presence of one another can work out a lot more affectively and productively.
Rules and boundaries work
Create expectations for your children; allow them see what are, and what are not acceptable behaviours. Children often see house rules as challenges to overcome, but they need them in their lives at home, crèche and school as a means to create consistency, predictability, and respect - and to know what will happen if they cross over the line.
Although it is so very natural and normal for children to push the boundaries, they are testing us to see if we mean what we say. When there is structure, being told ‘no’ and having expectations - for example, instilling bedtime and morning routines, manners at mealtimes or how many sweet treats in a week - children feel safe and secure.
Some parents feel that children love having free reign; however, when behaviour becomes out of control or no rules apply, children can feel quite insecure. When a child’s experience of parenting is very inconsistent, it can be very confusing, frustrating and in some cases, scary for the child. That’s why clear messages and consistency all round is key.
All adults take the same approach
Once you both feel happy about how you’re going to approach a situation - whether it is about the steps to take for night-time waking, siblings fighting, being cheeky or refusing to following direction - no matter what the parenting scenario is, it’s so important that the adults/carers/childminders/parents take the same approach.
It’s easier said than done, but if you have made a plan or a decision, make sure to go through the steps and for both parents to follow through initially; and other carers in the child’s life to follow suit. If we choose to go back on what we have said, or if one parent is softer than the other, changing the approach not only undermines the other adult but it also confuses the child - while creating feelings of frustration all around.
Children are very tuned in to the adults in their lives and their behaviours, too; once they see the softer link, they will play different adults off one another just to get what they want.
Always follow through
If you have decided that using consequences to manage the more challenging behaviours is what will work, always remember to keep them fair, immediate and easy to implement! Many parents would say ‘nothing works’. This can be true, but if you give your child one warning and pick a consequence that is meaningful to your child, (e.g.: early to bed, no after dinner treats, no favourite TV programme) and you follow through, the next time you give them a warning, they will know you are serious about what you say and you will follow through no matter how much they protest with you!
It’s important to give changes in approach a chance; avoid trying lots of different ways. When a child sees all adults being firm and following through, they will naturally resist it; but, by the parent sticking to what they have said, you will reap the rewards!
Aoife Lee, Parent Coach for Giraffe Childcare
