I’ve been in a bit of a funk just lately, found it difficult to do much, and even harder to write. I’ve felt rudderless, no direction and no real sense of where to even begin to look. I feel as though I’m approaching a crossroads; a time where things are about to change, need to change but the problem I’m having is, I just can’t seem to set the wheels in motion.
Two years ago I made the decision to leave work and become a full-time mum, a decision that I’ve never regretted, but now as my little girl moves towards her third birthday and increasingly does more without me I’ve realised just how quick their preschool lives go. It’s even faster with your second child as they have to somehow fit into the routine of the older one, and before you know it they’re grown. It’s made me start to question, what’s next, who will I be next? Of course, I’ll always be a mummy but whom else? Right now that is my defining title, my full-time role. I don’t escape from it, it is just who I am.
I suppose I’m having an identity crisis and I think many others face a similar scenario; my life has changed so much that I couldn’t just step back into the way things used to be, even if I wanted to. I’ve been lucky to be in a position where I have been able to stay at home with my children; to be the one who is their constant, that no matter what, it is always my face that they see.
I know I can’t stay at home forever; financially, it just wouldn’t be practical and it would be nice to do something that is for me - but I’m selfish. I want something that allows me to still spend that precious time with the children, that allows me to do the school run and the holidays and go to sports days and Christmas concerts, I’ve been spoilt and the trouble is that I’m petulant…I don’t want to give up everything but I can’t have it all.
I think I’m just lost and overwhelmed at the challenge that now faces me; I’ve been out of work three years (if you count my maternity leave) leaving a stable well paid job and whilst I don’t regret the choice, sometimes I wonder if it was the right one. I’m a woman in my mid-thirties, who has two dependents, wants part-time hours and is likely to need time off for illnesses (which lately are one after another!) and various other responsibilities. I’m not what I would call an attractive candidate!!
But maybe it’s more than just that, maybe it’s in part sadness that this stage of my life is drawing to a close. My children have defined me for the last six years and now I’m realising that I’m quickly approaching the time where I am something more…but there’s a tiny part of me that is just sad… the baby stage of my life is over and maybe just maybe that’s part of what is making me feel lost. They are both growing to be confident and independent just as I wanted them to be, but each day they leave me behind a little bit more. So whilst I know it’s time to start thinking about myself and what I want to do next, who I want to be, maybe there’s a part that’s wishing the baby stage would last just that little bit longer and I’m not totally ready for them to not to be the centre of my world.
I'd love to hear your thoughts or advice.