Miss you each day, every day, all the time …
It’s impossible to put into words how much you miss the physical touch, smell and sounds of your child. My beautiful girl left us on 4 October 2011. She did everything dramatic in the month of October for years. I used to always know once that month came around, something would happen and it inevitably did.
She was almost 23 years old but had the body of a 12 or 13 year old and the face of an angel.
We knew she was going to go but the shock when it happened was still huge. Like maybe it wouldn’t happen. Like each time before she threatened to go and came back. Maybe we thought, maybe she would do the same but she seemed to have other plans.
So much went wrong around the time she started to decline. People didn’t do what I expected. Didn’t behave the way I thought people, friends or family might. They avoided us. Didn’t contact us. Why? Probably because this place is unknown for most. It’s that place where you don’t know what to say or do. I’ve spoken to one or two others in the same situation and we all say the same thing – don’t say anything because nothing you can say will make this better. Just let us know you care. That you’re thinking of us. That we’re not alone. It’s horribly lonely and it’s the worse place in the world to exist. It’s made worse by the feeling of total isolation. What could I compare it to? I don’t know because the death of a child is not widely spoken about. It’s not something “normal” so you have no point to compare it to.
But back to the most important thing. I can still feel her beautiful silky hair under my fingers as I stroke her head in my mind. I can still smell her as I lean down to kiss her forehead. Her beautiful eyes always wandered over to look at me after a kiss. Not really seeing me but she knew I was there. Her exquisite and delicate little fingers with their beautiful nails. I can feel them in my hand still. And that’s when the pain hits. Not being able to touch her, talk to her, hold her hand. It’s indescribable.
A broken heart is a physical thing. It really does hurt. Right in the middle of your chest. It hurts so much. Who knew?
Hug and kiss your beautiful child today and every day. Tell them you love them. They are the most precious thing you will ever own.
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