Joanne McNally denies being a baby hater. That's despite making a documentary with that very title. The Irish comedian has been raising eyebrows as she discusses her new TV show which is set to air on TV3 this evening, Baby Hater.
She describes it as a simple exploration of the concept of motherhood and those who choose not to embrace it. Joanne says she decided to make the documentary because of her own suspicions about parenting. The 34-year-old says, in an interview with the Irish Examiner that she is unsure whether or not to have children and admits to being slightly on the fence when it comes to raising a family of her own making.
"I was fascinated, the idea that something packaged as beautifully as motherhood is, this purpose-giving, life-affirming experience, peel away the smiling women on the box, and underneath it are these dark, dejected shadows, too terrified to identify themselves for fear of a public shaming, like a virtual Salem Witch Trials I wanted to speak to one of these people, and I did. A Canadian woman named Victoria Elder, In her interview she tells me how she originally wanted a baby, she planned it and celebrated the pregnancy. Yet the moment the nurse placed her newborn baby in her arms, “I knew then I’d made the biggest mistake of my life, and that feeling never went away”.
Joanne says she wanted to challenge the perception that having a baby defines you as a woman, and why those who choose NOT to have babies are judged so harshly. Speaking to Dr Ciara Kelly on Newstalk earlier today, the comedian says she is of the opinion that having children is the ultimate selfish act.
"It's a self serving act to decide to have children and in my experience not everyone who has had children are delighted with their decision. I am still a worthwhile member of society even when I don't want kids"
But isn't taking care of another life one of the most selfless acts you can do? You are signing up for the responsibility of looking after someone who is virtually helpless without you. Yes, there are times where you indulge your own whims (putting them in cute dresses or bragging about their achievements) but ultimately, putting yourself in the position of taking care of another human, keeping them safe and being an upstanding role-model for their entire lives is, in fact, an act of bravery (especially during the 'is it chocolate or is it poop?' years)
That's not to say that anyone who decides not to have a child should ever feel shunned, unworthy or, in some way, judged by society. In my own experience, I had no idea of the ferocity of feelings that would engulf me when my first child was born. It is simply indescribable. I do feel that anyone who doesn't get to experience that intensity of emotion is missing out. But I certainly don't go around telling them that they are wrong or have made bad choices in their lives.
I think the issue is that there will ALWAYS people who try to convince others to change, to try to convince others that there is a better way - their way. It extends beyond parenthood, it seeps into our work lives, personal relationships, and friendships. The fact this that people love giving their two cents, and when it does come to parenting - everything is heightened. Everything about becoming a mum is not only extremely personal but also massively emotional. Anyone who butts in with 'better' ways to do things is at best irritating, at worst, clueless.
I can understand how those who choose not to have children may feel ambushed. All those misplaced 'oh, but you'll change your mind' sentiments would drive me bonkers too. We are all grown women who understand the choices we are making.
I think ultimately, that it is a misplaced desire to make sure those who decide not to have children aren't missing out on what is usually a wonderful experience. We want to ask 'but are you SURE?' because we know that once, we had no idea of how amazing it would be. But let's not imagine that women who choose not to have children haven't already considered all of this. Let's not be the ones to try and change someone's mind because of our own individual experiences.
I disagree with Joanne McNally - choosing to have children isn't a selfish act. For many, it is a biological urge and others a lifelong dream. But I believe that choosing NOT having children is a brave act too, and women shouldn't have to fall over themselves to explain why.
We should simply respect each other's choices. That's not just sisterhood - that is a universal lesson that I'd like my children to understand.
Baby Hater is on this evening at 9 pm on TV3
(Feature image via Irish Examiner)
