Dubliner, Kirsten was diagnosed with breast cancer just 3 weeks before Christmas after noticing a slight indent in her nipple. She had a mastectomy and is currently undergoing chemotherapy.
The 42-year-old has three young children; Zoe (8) Ben (7) and Tilly (4). We spoke to her about her diagnosis, her treatment, and how she approached telling her children about her illness.
"Initially we didn't use the word cancer. We were afraid we couldn't control the reactions other people had to it so instead we told my older two children that there were bad cells and good cells and we had to fight the bad cells. With my youngest child, we simply said 'mummy has an ouchie breast.'
My own mother survived breast cancer so it was helpful to say it was the same thing that granny had. When I had my surgery they had a great deal of curiosity about how it would look as Daddy had told them it would look 'different.' They actually seemed slightly underwhelmed by the little plaster I showed them when they came to visit.
We had referred to the chemo as 'the strong medicine' and had explained to them that it would make mummy sick, tired and a little grumpy. I let them ask as many questions as they wanted. My consultant gave me some good advice: if they asked me something I wasn't sure about, I should just say I would ask the doctor and get back to them rather than confuse them.
I heard about the CLIMB programme run by the ARC so we sent my two older children to help them to adjust to everything that was going on. There they learnt to pop bubbles just like the medicine was 'doing to mummy's bad cells.' They also learnt how to name and deal any emotions they couldn't identify. It gave validation to their feelings and I was amazed when my daughter came home one day and announced that 'we are not the only kids who have a sick mum'. That make me happy to know they didn't feel isolated and they had a safe place to ask questions without upsetting anyone."
Yvonne O'Meara is a systemic psychotherapist and senior medical social worker at Our Lady's Hospice. She says although we have an instinct to shield our children from difficult things in life, the evidence shows that being open and honest about cancer can help them to cope better.
"The benefits of talking to children about cancer in an age-appropriate way are very clear. Concealing the extent of an illness is exhausting for everyone. Cancer robs a great deal from people but it cannot rob the safe and open communication you can provide to your child. It also gives back an element of control for patients.
Promising your child (age-specifically) that you will keep them updated with your illness is a precious gift and one that will help your child feel secure. You rarely come across people who were annoyed for being kept in the loop over a parents diagnoses, but hiding things from them will often result in confusion and insecurity. We do recommend using the word cancer."
Kristen now faces another surgery followed by 25 rounds of radiotherapy. She says she is coming to terms with her illness and feels lucky she isn't sicker but admits that some days are harder than others:
"It is weird for all of us. It is very difficult to have such little control over my life. I have to stay away from busy areas so no cinema, and no holidays for now.
I do try to stay positive but there are times when it hits me and it is usually over silly things like when I was shopping for a dress for a Communion last week and nothing fit properly over my breast prosthesis. I burst into tears in the changing rooms out of sheer frustration.
Losing my hair was another major part of this journey but I decided to shave it. I asked the children if they wanted to come see it being done. They jumped at the chance and had great fun saying how much like a boy I looked like! They also came wig shopping with me. Ben wanted me to wear a silver wig, Zoe insisted I try a purple one, while Tilly suggested rainbow hair.
It feels a little like a dream at the moment... like it isn't happening to me at all. I have resigned myself that this is going to be a tough year of my life and I will be strong and get through it. And when times get really hard, I just have a quick cry in the shower."
A big thank you to Kirsten for sharing her personal story with us.
Here is a list of all the services ARC provides in Ireland.
"Talking to children about cancer" is the theme of a forthcoming talk organised by ARC Cancer Support Centres. The talk, which takes place in its Eccles Street centre in Dublin on Wednesday, May 24 at 11 am, is free of charge and open to anyone diagnosed with cancer who is looking for support in communicating with the young people in their life. It will address such areas as what children want to know about cancer, how to go about talking to them, and what to expect once that conversation starts.
