For 40 years, Denmark has been rated the happiest place to raise children.
The Danish parenting approach seems to produce resilient, emotionally balanced and happy children who go on to repeat the pattern with their own children. It is also the birthplace of Hygge, aka cosy loveliness.
That's why, last year, I decided to follow the Danish parenting method known as PARENT. It stands for Play, Authenticity, Reframing, Empathy, No Ultimatums and Togetherness. The idea is that power struggles should not exist between a parent and a child and a respect is built which works both ways.
I had muddled through five years of parenthood. I had yet to perfect my parenting skills - I wanted to know if it was possible to see baby poop on my engagement ring without weeping? I needed to know what to do when my toddler lies on the supermarket cereal aisle and refuses to budge. (Answer: weep)
In a last ditch attempt to hone my mothering duties, I started researching why the Danish have gotten it so right when it comes to bringing up their babies.
The Danish philosophy is woven so tightly into Danish culture that they don’t even think about the way they parent – they just do it.
First on my list was free play. This is supposed to make the children less anxious and teaches them resilience which has been proven to be one of the most important factors in predicting success as an adult. I tried to ignore the shouts to push them on the swings. Just before I cracked, I noticed my five-year-old son had assumed the role of chief pusher. He was pushing both the girls as they swung. To my amazement, after a few minutes, they swapped over.
Next, independence.
Reluctantly, I practised on my six-year-old daughter. I let her walk around the corner to pick up the croissants at the little bakery while on holidays. I am normally one of those mums who panics if she can't see her children so this was a huge deal for me. She skipped back after 4 minutes, proud as punch and insisted on going every morning we were on holidays. I could see her almost swell with pride at her new responsibilities. Tick.
Next step is Togetherness: We wanted to do something with our children that didn't completely bore us to tears so we came to a compromise and taught them how to play chess. Now, we spend a great deal of time sitting around, laughing and trying to beat them at chess. They are genuinely really good and we are planning on introducing monopoly in the coming weeks. That will be the ultimate test.
Lastly, discipline.
We introduced the counting method in our house. The idea is that you are the boss and if your children are being naughty they need to know there are consequences WITHOUT lengthy explanations about the why's and the but's.
The problem with this, as with any parenting advice, is following through. In my head, I KNOW that screeching "stop screeching at your sister" is the wrong message. But sometimes, the truth is that they are driving me nuts and nothing is in my head except the vision of them sound asleep at bedtime can get me through it. Ain't none of us perfect!
So it was tricky at first to practice the counting method without having MAJOR chats about it with the children. I explained it briefly and then had to put it into practice. If they are doing something naughty you say 'that's one'. If they continue, you say 'that's two' and if those scamps keep going, you say 'that's three' and you give them a time out for every year of their age. Before, if they argued and pleaded I would have a big conversation about how they needed to listen and behave blah, blah blah. Now, after a little bit of settling in, I only have to hold up one finger before they usually knock it off.
For major things like hitting they obviously go straight to three.
Now, like all of us, we have our days where I need a coffee drip to make it through, but making these little tweaks in our life, we have finally managed to find a balance between enjoying our children and ensuring they are learning how to be in the world.
And if stops working, we can always just move to Denmark!
