I'm sitting here in complete silence while waiting for my super noodles to cook (winning at life). Kellan is at school full time, Grayson is down for his nap so me and Travis (the dog) are sitting here just pondering over things.
I shared a couple of photos from my Facebook of when the boys were small, and I mean, really small. It has just gone so quick. I know I must sound like a broken record, but it really does just go. Now we have Grayson at home on his own for two days, me and Dan are really enjoying and appreciating our time with him, and seem to be making the most of it. We didn't get to enjoy Kellan at this age because I was too busy with a newborn.
I remember after having Kellan, I really didn't think I could love another child. How did I have the room for another baby? Or the time! Plus, I didn't want to go through another traumatic labour.
I started to come to the realisation that we would probably only have one baby, and I thought I was ok with that.
Anyway, Grayson came along, unplanned, but he was sent to us for a reason. Kellan had only hit one year old when we found out I was expecting Grayson.
We weren't prepared if I'm honest, but we were excited. I remember the closer I got to my section date, the more the guilt kicked in.
Guilt that I hadn't had enough time with Kellan, and just Kellan.
Guilt that we didn't do baby massage and baby groups together. Guilt that he was going to be left to get on with it while I dealt with recovery and a newborn. Guilt that he was going to have to grow up so quickly becoming a big brother. I then started panicking that I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to be a mum of two.
My heart couldn't fit the love of another child in. It couldn't just grow, could it? What if I had a favourite? Everyone has a favourite, don't they? Then bam! He was born. All that guilt left as soon as I set eyes on my perfect baby boy.
Kellan's little brother had entered the world. My heart burst with love and pride. I was a mama of two boys. As soon as I got my skin to skin my heart filled with love. Love for both of my children, it was true, my heart did grow, it grew to fill my heart with the love of two little boys. Then I saw Kellan become a big brother, and honestly, I sat there and wondered why I never wanted two children. Kellan struggled with the transition at first, but he is such an amazing big brother to Grayson.
Dan and I have been thinking about this a lot lately, how poor Kellan's baby years were rushed as we were trying to prepare him for big brotherhood. We are not going to let that happen with Grayson. Every day I make sure we enjoy every moment of their little lives.
So mama's if you are pregnant with your second child, or are worried about having another child because of the guilt - please don't put yourself off.
I promise, it all works out - and your heart really does grow.
(AND....& they are best friends. which makes my heart burst even more)
Love A x