Parenting adolescents: Tips that may help make it a more positive experience

 

Having worked with eight- to 18-year-olds for the past six years, I have put together a few tips that may help your parenting skills. Learning what is going on in the heads of tweens and teens over the past number of years helps me to stay up-to-date on the many issues and problems they may face.

 

I am also the mum of four daughters (aged 12 to 20). There have been plenty of ups and downs along the way, but I have learned which battles to pick, what is most important to them, what may add fuel to the fire during the many disagreements, and how important it is to keep communication open and hold mutual trust at any cost.

 

Adolescents need to establish themselves as their own person – separate to, but part of the family; connected to, but independent from their parents. I have learned many lessons from my own mistakes – after all, this is how we all learn!

 

 

Pick your battles

Parenting a tween/teen means facing many issues that can either result in all-out war or - maybe with less reaction, and more understanding - can result in a peaceful solution. Try to remember what was important to you at their age: fitting in, feeling grown up and responsible, thinking you knew it all, believing your parents could not possibly understand what you are going through (they rarely believe we were ever teenagers). Try to pick the battles that really matter – take a breath before you launch in with your words of wisdom. I understand this is not easy, but it really does make a huge difference.

 

Event + Reaction = Outcome.

 

Trust them until they give you a reason not to

Without trust, the relationship between parent and tween/teen is very tricky. Trust is the bond that keeps the relationship strong. I would suggest you trust your own child (regardless of other people's opinions) until they give you a reason not to. Talk to them about the importance of trust within your family. When tweens/teens believe you do not trust them, they feel they have nothing to break; when they believe you do trust them, they are less likely to break that trust. I see this over and over again – setting boundaries (realistic to their age group) and sticking to them helps the child to understand their boundaries. You know your child better than anyone else - if they have never given you a reason not to trust them, why would you question their trust?

 

 

Communication

Communication is vital to any relationship – this is the same for the parent-child relationship. Try to keep communication open at all costs. When you cannot speak to them, text them, write to them – it does not matter how you communicate to them, once you do communicate. They are at a stage where they want to feel independent, capable of making decisions on their own, and test their boundaries – this is all ‘normal’ behaviour for a tween/teen. Their behaviour and the person is not the same thing. Try to separate the behaviour (typical to their age group) and the person. They are going through so many changes - physically, emotionally and psychologically; they are very often on emotional overload. This causes the irrational behaviour and silly decisions. Try to separate the two; let a lot of the irrational behaviour go over your head, and try to understand what might really be going on;

It is so important that you try to see beyond the behaviour, and cut them a bit of slack. I'm not saying to accept rudeness or lack of respect, but try to ignore the general moodiness and lack of chat.

 

 

Explain the importance of values in your family

Think about what the values in your family are. Explain the need for values and what they mean. This is an area that I work on a lot when working with teenagers – it explains a lot of issues they face when it comes to;

Think of your relationship within your home like a tree:

Parenting is the most important job anyone will ever have, and yet, the only job that comes without any training. Ask for help and support - it does make a difference.

 

 

“The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behaviour; the sign of truly great parenting is the parent’s behaviour.”