For many families, finding out that you are expecting a baby is a very exciting time. When there is a new title of big brother or big sister, that too can bring a great sense of importance for your older child. Often, parents decide to wait until they are further on in the pregnancy to tell other siblings, so as to allow them to enjoy the news as well as not having to wait all that time for their pending arrival! Preparing for a tiny baby to come can be a big part of their little lives, and when they do arrive it may bring up all kinds of everything for them! Whether it’s a great novelty from the start, to then realising that “this baby is not going anywhere and is taking up a lot of my mum and dad’s time” and “no one even asked me what I thought or wanted”; all of our children hold their own personalities and temperaments - being individual, they have their own ways of coping. Seeing a brand new baby join the family is a huge transition, and there are so many ways we can support the little people with this time in their life.
Viewing it all from their eyes
Depending on the age of your older child, their understanding of a new baby arriving into the family may be different; but no matter what stage they are at, children will always express themselves and communicate through their behaviours and words. For toddlers aged about two years old, they can be very egocentric, are truly in their own little world and can find it difficult to understand why there is another baby in the house vying for your attention. As they start to understand their emotions, like feeling happy and sad, and how to express themselves, they believe that everything around them is all about them; so, someone new coming into the picture can really rock the boat for many. As a child gets older, they begin to learn and understand how others might feel, they understand empathy, and they also continue to thrive on routine and consistency. A three- or four-year-old can often expect that their new sibling will be ready to play and be company for them but, as we know, a lot of feeding and sleeping happens before then. This can be disappointing to your older child, and they may even tell you so, until of course they move on to the next important distraction!
Preparing for Baby’s arrival
We can only do as much preparation as possible before Baby arrives. Reading to our children is one part that can be a big help, and I recommend reading stories to them about new babies. ‘There’s A House Inside My Mummy’ is a great book, and I used it to gently chat about the new baby coming home from hospital. Don’t be surprised if your toddler just don’t fancy it; often this is a sign of them dealing with it all when they are ready. Let them know the new baby will be coming and will be staying around, too.
Try to involve your toddler as you finish packing your hospital bag; allow them to pack something special like a photo or a small trinket for you to mind while you’re gone and to give back when you get home. This action lets your child know that you will be thinking of them and reassures them that you will be back!
The first hospital visit
After you’ve had your new baby, and hopefully had some time to rest, your older child might like to come in for their introduction to the new baby. If you know when your toddler may be visiting for the first time, try to have that special picture of you both on your bedside table. This small gesture allows your child to see that they are still very much in your thoughts. If you can, have Baby in their cot beside your bed or ask a family member to hold the baby, so your arms are ready to embrace your older child with cuddles and kisses! Remember that change can be challenging for children and adults, so go at their pace. Your child may make a beeline for the cot to take a look at their new sibling, or maybe not, so don’t push it - everything will happen in good time. Having a little token gift from the baby for their bigger sibling is a sure winner; I still remember mine when my sister arrived 31 years ago!
A helping hand
Dealing with a toddler and new baby is a skill in itself! There are lots of changes for everyone - including less sleep for parents - but extra demands, too! Don’t be afraid to ask or accept help from family and friends when it comes to making dinners, having play-dates, or even getting out to do the shopping. For days at playgroup or crèche, try to stick to their regular routine and days as your child learns to adjust to all the change that is happening at home. This is a great chance for you to get that time to catch up on sleep and bond with your new bundle.
One-to-one time
All our little ones want is our time and attention, but when they have to share your affections with another baby, it will naturally unsettle them and maybe take them some time to get used to this. If your older child has been away for part of the day, it’s important to give them some one-on-one time with you or your partner when they arrive home, even if it is a quick half an hour. This does pay off, as the more quality guaranteed time that your older children receive, they will settle into the idea of sharing your time with their younger sibling.
After the madness of the first few weeks settles down, we all find our way eventually! For parents and children, welcoming a new baby into the family takes a little time, patience, sleep, and lots of love and attention with our bigger boys and girls!
Aoife Lee, Parent Coach for Giraffe Childcare
