Michelle Ross lost her little brother, Derek, to suicide last September, and the Meath native got in touch to share her own experience of the mental health services, which sadly does not have a happy ending.
Derek had just turned 24 three weeks beforehand, and Michelle's story - which appears in full on her blog - starts early on that tragic morning.
"I woke up in the Galway Bay Hotel at 7.45am and switched my alarm off. Sounds nice doesn’t it?" she writes.
"My phone rang a couple of moments later and my life was changed forever. My aunt's name flashed up on my phone.
"'Michelle are you with anybody?’ my aunt said.
"‘No I’m down in Galway, is my mam okay?’ I said.
"‘Your mam's fine… Oh, Michelle...’
"‘What Anne, what's wrong??’
"‘It’s Derek, Michelle, he’s hanged himself.’
"‘Is he ok, is he still alive?’
"‘No sweetheart, I’m so sorry, he’s gone honey."
After hearing news of her brother's death, Michelle says she just fell apart.
"My whole heart shattered into pieces. I remember nothing more that was said after that, I crumbled to the floor, shaking like a leaf and howled.
"How I didn’t wake the whole hotel, I do not know, I literally lay in a ball on the floor howling. I wouldn’t even call it crying because there were no tears. I was just screaming.
"The rest of that day is a blur, but it’s a morning that will never ever leave me, and something that replays in my mind over and over and over many times a week.
"On that day, my baby brother Derek decided he couldn’t take anymore of this life, and made the decision to end things."
Derek had suffered with depression and drug addiction for quite some time, and had previously attempted to take his own life in April 2015.
Michelle describes the difficulty her family faced in getting the medical help that they believed Derek needed after his first suicide attempt. After being seen by a doctor and visiting A&E, Derek was seen by a psychiatric specialist.
"He was finally called in… and was in and out quicker than I had time to get a coffee," she recalls.
"There was ‘nothing wrong with him’ they said. They couldn’t help him there. He was referred to his local GP/psychiatric care with a referral letter in his hands.
"I was in shock. My whole family were in shock. He was sent away, after making an attempt to take his own life, with a letter in his hand."
Eventually Derek was given an appointment with a psychiatric unit for two months time, which Michelle says was devastating for the whole family.
"We tried and tried to get professional help for Derek at that time but all we ended up getting any sort of help from was counsellors. That’s all that was available.
"We didn’t know where to turn to as a family, all we could do was encourage Derek to go for counselling which is what we did. He went for a one session and that was it.
"Our professionals sent him home and told us all there was nothing wrong with him… really? Well, then why is he six feet under now? Derek could have been saved with the right professional help and I firmly believe this."
Michelle is keen to emphasise that the lack of provisions available for Derek not only affected his life, but hers and those of her family members too.
"Let me tell you what it's like being one of many people left behind, affected and totally devastated by my brother taking his own life.
"I cry, a lot. Mostly when I am alone. My own mind is now probably my worst enemy.
"Like last night, I lay in bed trying so hard to get some sleep, but my mind was playing out the moment Derek took his own life. It was as if I was there with him at the time and I was replaying a memory, I could see him gasping for his last breath. I just want it to STOP sometimes.
"My heart is broken. My heart is broken not only for me, but for my family too.
"My Mam and Dad. How can parents bury their own child? How are they coping?
"My brother Robert. He worries about everybody and always wants to be sure that we are all okay, even though his heart has been ripped out.
"He adored Derek and did everything he could to protect him. He is a broken man now but still makes sure everybody else is okay before himself.
"They are just some of the things that go through my head. Some of the pain I feel, and some of the sorrow that I carry around with me most days."
"For you Dez. I love and miss you every second. Thank you for the strength you give me, for the good days, and keep looking over us all. I feel you with me sometimes. Rest in Paradise my love."
Michelle and her family are currently fundraising for Pieta House, which offers a specialised treatment programme for people who have suicidal ideation or who participate in self-harming behaviours. You can donate via Michelle's personal fundraising page here, or get involved by signing up for the Darkness Into Light Run in one of the many locations around Ireland on May 7, 2016.
