I was searching the house the other day for a book someone kindly gave me a loan off when I came across an old book of Stephen Covey’s lying on the shelf, the title boldly pronounced: The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. I remember buying the book nearly 18 years ago in my eagerness to be a good parent to my twin boys then 5-years-old. My daughter wasn’t even born and as I flicked through the pages, I found an A4 sheet of paper with ‘to-do’ notes I had jotted down all those years ago. Ring Larry for an appointment, ring the vet for Vicki (my beautiful Shetland Sheep dog who has long since passed) and a recipe for Pears Eau de Vie (I was very fancy back then). The note must have been written in August around the time of my twin sons’ birthday as I had written their date of birth and beside it two action men and two action men T-shirts. Back then we lived in North County Dublin on a half-acre of land and had some chickens, there was a reminder to my then husband that the chickens were fed and a request to collect the boys with a small kiss marked beside it.
As I read this little blast from the past, I started to feel melancholy. I thought to myself how innocent I was of the future that lay ahead for me and my budding ‘highly effective alternative family’. I wondered was there not a section on divorce as I noted my little kiss to my husband or should I say my former husband. I smiled compassionately at the irony of searching for habits to create a highly effective family when just a few short years later my marriage would end in the divorce courts.
I sat with that uncomfortable bout of melancholy and the mildly sick feeling that had hit my sacral and solar plexus chakras as I was brought back in time. But, instead of diving nose deep into regret, anger and hurt or huge fear of failing my children I made a f**k it decision and chose to look back with appreciation. Appreciation for the wonderful man I married almost 25 years ago, for without him I wouldn’t have had my three precious children who have blessed me with their presence every-day of my life. And although it may sound odd, a huge appreciation for myself, for being so brave in the hardest of times leading up to, during and immediately after my divorce and appreciation for facing the terrors that lay within me and the courage to move forward.
So fast forward 18 years - my two boys are just finishing their masters in college and my teenage daughter starts fifth year in September, scanning the contents page and the 7 Habits of Stephen Covey’s book, has my family turned out highly effective?
Intro ‘You’re going to be ‘off track’ 90 percent of the time’ - and I sure as hell was.
Habit 1 ‘Becoming an agent of change in your family’- although change is scary, change has proved to be necessary and healthy.
Habit 2 ‘Developing a family mission statement’ - ours is ‘one for all, and all for one’!
Habit 3 ‘Making family a priority in a turbulent world’ - as there is breath in my body my kids will always come first.
Habit 4 ‘Moving from ‘Me to We,’ - it is always ‘we’ when you have kids no matter what age they are.
Habit 5 ‘Solving family problems through empathic communications’ –it is as simple as sitting at the dinner table and having a meal together every day, it’s a great way of finding out what’s really going on!
Habit 6 ‘Building family unity through celebrating differences’ identifying and honouring each child’s gifts as they grow is key.
Habit 7 ‘Renewing the family spirit through traditions’ – as my children have grown, we have kept some of the old traditions and made new ones, it’s a limitless process of growth, nothing stays the same.
At the end of the contents page Stephen Covey has ‘From Survival…to Stability…to Success…to Significance’ and in all honesty that really sums my journey up so far, did I follow to the letter what he wrote in his book absolutely NOT, did I do my best and love my children from the bottom of my heart continuously through all adversity, did I keep them close and nurture them and teach them to nurture each other and other people, yes I did, and do you know what? SO WILL YOU, it’s not what happens to us in life, as a family its how we choose to handle it.
