Fighting the 'Mummy Guilt'

I remember friends who had children before me always saying two things. First, when you have a child, you will experience a love for someone else like you never have before. Second be prepared to always feel guilty. Always.

 

The first one sounded amazing but the second bit of wisdom, did not. I was someone who struggled with feeling guilty about the dumbest things to begin with, so how was I going to cope with even more?

 

Thankfully, this inner 'guilt' monologue didn’t start until I was due to return to work after maternity leave. I spent 10 months thinking I was acing this mum thing; I carried Joan everywhere with me, I was breastfeeding, she slept with us and I was never away from her for one night one time. 

 

Then when I was faced with the decision of when to go back to work, the onslaught of guilt began. What is the best childcare for her at at this age if it isn’t me? And should it be me? Can we afford for me to stay at home until she is at least walking? Ahhhh, pass the Merlot!

 

With each decision made, you were then faced with another one leading to even more worry. We decided to have her cared for at home until she was 13 months and then she would go to our local crèche. All through the interviewing process to find that person, I was thinking, this isn’t right, I should be looking after her. Knowing that I needed to return to work, the words of Dr Phil rang in my head often: “guilt is like a rocking chair, you move around a lot but get nowhere.” (Or something along those lines.)

 

Once back at work, I constantly felt guilty about it. I felt badly if I wasn’t working because my whole life up until I had Joan, work was what I spent most of my time doing - working towards career goals. I also felt badly when I was working as I felt I wasn’t mothering. This was what all my friends were talking about. The guilt! The damn guilt!

 

After Joan turned a year and a half, I moved to contract work, which brought a whole other set of guilty thoughts. I had her in the crèche full time so I could be available for work on any given day. But the days that I wasn’t “working” and she was in the crèche were the days I felt most guilty about. I thought I should be with her all the time that I wasn’t working, but this wasn’t taking into consideration her point of view and what she needed, which was a present mum and not one wracked with guilt.

 

In many ways guilt is a very selfish emotion. You feel it is a direct fall out from something happening to you, instead of realising you are, in many cases creating that feeling for yourself. It also isn’t a helpful emotion; it distracts you from the here and now; the moments when your children want your attention most.

 

Nonetheless I felt this way for a good few months until I spoke to a few mums about it. The one thing that kept coming up was other mums saying the crèche (and routine) is good for her. This was true and when I got that into my head, I was better able to cope with and let go of 'the guilt'.

 

I started looking at it from a more positive perspective: we could have all the mummy/daughter day’s we wanted; I was stillworking to maintain my passion for my job and achieve career goals; Joan’s need to be with her peers and learn from her carers was fulfilled. I loved the mummy/daughter days. There were quiet Wednesday afternoons to the zoo, a Thursday morning music class, pyjama days on a Tuesday, baking on a Monday. We have such an incredible catalogue of great memories afforded to me, because I work contract and because I let go of the guilt. For this I will always be thankful.