And then the argument started…

 

To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part. Or, until we have a newborn and I want to kill you...

 

There are so many articles out there about how to survive the first three months of a new baby. You know, the tips on colic, lack of sleep and cluster feeding etc... But there is another challenge new parents face that can be overlooked - getting through those first few months and actually liking each other by the end of it!

 

It's such a beautiful scene: she surprises him with the announcement of "I'm pregnant!" Tears of joy, excitement and nervousness follows.

 

He heads to the local while she orders What to expect when you are expecting from Amazon. Six months of bumps, scans and buggy-buying follow. All the while, the happy couple seem closer together than they ever have been. 

 

The most amazing moment of welcoming their first child arrives, two become three. Then....BOOM! Constant crying, nappy changes, exhaustion - having a baby is a huge shock to the system, life changes big time. And so does your relationship.

 

 

Every single thing my husband did drove me mad. Why does he have to step so loudly when he is coming up to bed? What part of 'do not fasten the nappy too tight' does he not understand? Yes, please pick up the baby after his bottle feed and do 'weeeeeeee', up and down one more time!

 

And can you imagine how annoying I was? I hate to admit it, but I run a tight baby ship. There are methods to be followed and if there is any deviation from instruction there will be hell to pay in the form of torrential nagging.

 

The point being, most couples are fit to kill each other during those first few months.

 

I am not a professional in the field of counselling. But I like to think of myself as a seasoned war veteran. I have served in two post-baby relationship battles and survived. So I cannot give relationship counselling, but I can maybe offer some advice. (Note - if you end up killing him anyway, please don't blame me!)

 

1. Split the chores 

If you find yourself continuously watching how much housework each person is doing, and comparing, stick a list on the fridge. Divide and conquer.

 

2. Respect each other’s parenting styles

Do not let the baby nap late in the evening, it was all that I asked. Yet, the baby napped because he allegedly needed it... Let your other half parent in their own way, and let them learn from their mistakes without your critique. If something doesn't work, they need to pick up the pieces. Like in my example, Daddy did the feeds that night and baby never napped late again. Me: 1, Hubby: 0.

 

3. If you get the child/kids to bed to sleep - put the mobile phones down

Time alone is so rare - do not waste it on social media. Talk to each other about how hard it is, have a whinge or talk about something else completely!  It can be great to switch off from baby talk.

 

 

4. Hug 

Simple I know, but it takes two seconds between feeds and nappies to give each other a hug. You are going through this together, and sometimes when a child will not stop screaming for three hours, there are just no words.

 

5. Be a team

Give each other time away (let him play football with the lads, let her go shopping for a few hours). If she is breastfeeding during the night, get up and get her a drink, change the nappy, be there. When he does things like wake up and help while you are feeding, say THANK YOU.

 

I have come through the post baby relationship war twice and not without my battle scars! But you can survive, and it will make you stronger.

 

It will get easier, and if you stick together through the tough times, you will be together to celebrate the good times - just don't expect miracles. He will still excessively channel flick, use selective hearing (when the baby cries at night) and use your towel when he showers. These things I cannot help you with. After all, I'm a mother not a miracle worker!

 

Trish O'Neill is a Cork based writer/blogger and author of Blarneymum. Blarneymum is aimed at parents who want to share tips and tricks about parenthood, everyday life and have a giggle along the way. When not busy blogging, Trish is busy being a mum to two adorable rascals :-)