I was called a selfish mum and now I'm afraid they were right

After I had my daughter almost seven years ago, I made the decision not to have any more children.

The news was met with despair by friends and family who thought it was selfish of me and my partner to deprive Ella of a sibling and playmate, but I was steadfast in my decision.

And for the most part, I don’t regret it, but every now and then I wonder if there was any truth in my family’s remarks.

During school breaks and summer holidays, their comments flash through my mind as I watch Ella attempt to play a game meant for two people in our back garden.

Endlessly whacking a ball against our side wall instead of towards a brother or sister can’t be much fun nor can it be particularly exhilarating to spend hours building a fort and then find yourself sitting in it alone.

During school time, I rarely consider the fact Ella is an only child because her day is filled with classroom activities, friendships and after-school play dates, but once the summer rolls around it becomes all too apparent that I consciously chose to have my daughter chat with an invisible friend instead of a younger sibling.

On account of my partner’s job, we don’t live in the same area as Ella’s school or friends which means my daughter spends most of her summer days entertaining herself at home before listlessly making her way into the house and lamenting her lack of pals.

Summer with an only child can be a trying time because much and all as you might want to spend your days making treasure hunts and finger painting, it’s just not possible.

Even more difficult for Ella to understand is the fact that despite my constant presence, I am not in a position to devote all my time to her.

My working from home means my daughter is put in a position where she must quickly realise that while Mum might look available, that doesn’t mean she actually is.

I’m physically present, but I’m not emotionally available 24/7 meaning I can’t drop my work responsibilities in order to crawl under tables and search for hidden treasure.

Sometimes I think it would be easier on Ella if I worked outside the home because it would mean she would spend time with other children in summer care.

While I do enrol her in summer camps, unfortunately our budget doesn’t allow more than one per summer so Ella soon finds herself standing alone in our back garden, surveying her toy bucket and wondering which game would be more fun as a solo endeavour.

Summer with an only child reminds me that my reasoning for not having any more children falls a little short every year.

“I can devote more time to my daughter if I stop at one,” I insisted over and over.

It turns out that doesn’t quite ring true when the school bell sounds for the final time at the end of term.