The inescapable reality of…

I was going to start this post with the phrase, "The one thing nobody tells you about becoming a parent…" but it would, in fact, be a lie, because everyone tells you. They take great pleasure in telling you, and it might, in the beginning, almost feel like they're lining up to tell you.

 

You tell them – and by "them" I mean ‘people who are already parents’ – that you're expecting and their eyes light up because frankly, they've been waiting years for this. Once they've rushed through some congratulations and the polite questions, it's finally their turn to tell you.

 

"You know you're going to get pooped on, right?"

 

And you will. There will be poop, there will be pee, there will be barf – there will be any number of other fluids with names that are heartbreakingly inaccurate in their cuteness. There will be times when you will regret not having an extra couple of wet wipes to hand.

 

It's inescapable, really, but by all means, read the tips that are out there. Any number of other parenting bloggers will be happy to tell you how to avoid it – putting towels over the kid, the lift-and-slide maneuver when changing the nappy, timing baths until after they've already done all you think they're going to for at least a couple of hours, and the secret way to fasten nappies so that they never, ever leak.

 

But I'm here to tell you the truth, friends: kids will always retain their capacity to surprise you. They will wait, the little monkeys, until your guard is down and before you can say "pass me the Bepanthen," you're quick-stepping to the bathroom trying not to touch anything with your contaminated hand, or shrieking to your partner to help deal with a sudden 'Code Brown' emergency.

 

I changed a lot of the early nappies for all three kids, having got over my squeamishness about all this early on. I spent the bulk of my college years working in a fast food restaurant. I realise taking a job serving up burgers may not be the most practical advice I can give you, but if you're still easily nauseated after a couple of years of cleaning grease traps, unblocking toilets and wiping up after stranger's kid has been sick everywhere, then nothing I can say here will ever help.

 

There are a few out there – and I bet you know one or two of them – who will disagree with this. Their children were always well contained, they instinctively knew that the bath or wherever wasn't the place for it, and that 'Brand X' nappies never, ever leak. Do not believe these people; ust be sure you have extra wet wipes handy, take a deep breath and accept the inevitable.

And for goodness sake, wash your hands.