The rule of not announcing your pregnancy until the second trimester is not based on an old wive’s tale or superstition. Somewhere around 15 to 20 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first three months. There are a lot of different reasons and causes. Sometimes the reason is never even discovered. Regardless of why, parents who lose a child still suffer and grieve. How best to comfort someone after they have miscarried?
Many people mistakenly assume that since the child was not born that the baby is not yet part of the family. Many parents suffer alone, or in silence, unlike individuals who have suffered through the death of other family members. When someone dies there is usually a funeral and reception for people to get together and share the loss. However, when an unborn baby dies, there is sympathy but usually no effort or show that the baby was actually a person who died. To the parents of that baby they have not only lost their child, but have also lost the opportunity to get to know them in any capacity. While these parents typically go one to have more children, they will never replace the one that was lost.
It is important to remain considerate. Saying things along the lines of:
“You can always get pregnant again.”
“This was meant to be.”
“I understand this is hard for you.”
- are all more hurtful than helpful. Be there for them. Help them out and be ready to really listen when they are ready to talk. While you may want to make mum feel better, it is more important to allow them to go through the grief process and reassure them that everything will be alright. Be supportive whether they need a shoulder to cry on, a person to vent to, and an escape to help them forget.
Be careful, however, to avoid pretending that it did not happen or that the baby was unimportant due to having not been born.
