As children grow up and become more aware self-aware; when they start to experience self-conscious emotions like embarrassment, jealousy and hurt, it is often at this point that little fibs can materialise in your child’s world as a means of avoiding a consequence.
"It wasn’t me! I don’t know what happened!" We are all familiar with these phrases, and I have yet to meet a parent that says there is no fibbing in their family! Sometimes they appear through story-telling, or sometimes children avoid the truth when grown-ups are trying to find out exactly what happened! It may be worrying for some parents, as they feel it could be a long-term issue; however, for many children, it is just another phase that they go through and it’s one of the most common behaviours for pre-school aged children. Deliberate or as innocent as it might be, and as frustrating as it may feel for you; there are ways to manage this creative story telling.
Understanding why children tell fibs
Children can start telling fibs from the age of three years. It’s often due to them wanting something they cannot have; making a story that little bit more adventurous to gain attention or approval from others; or, sometimes, they do it because they don’t want to get into trouble.
No matter how big or small the situation is - whether at home, crèche or school - there is always a reason for it. We can make light of the ‘little white lies’ just by a ‘you know I know' look! However, when it starts to become part of their daily routine, it’s really important to act on it in the most effective and child-friendly way.
If there is a need to sit down and talk to your child about the more serious scenarios, make it a short and simple chat about understanding why they may have told a fib. Sometimes our children tell a fib out of embarrassment or sheer determination - they just don’t want to back down from an argument. Try having a sit-down chat with your child if this is becoming an issue, and talk about how to help them tell the truth in future.
Encouraging honesty
Avoid setting your child up to tell a fib when you know the answer already! For example, if you are well aware that the last biscuit on the plate was nibbled at and you know the culprit, rather than saying ‘did you eat the biscuit?’ you could say ‘I noticed you couldn’t resist that extra bite’, ‘you know it’s important to ask Mummy/Daddy’, etc. If their determination gets the better of them and they deny it, it’s important to encourage them to tell the truth and the consequences of fibbing.
Some parents may ask the question: how do I know if they are telling the truth? A lot of it is about trusting your instincts. It may be trial and error for a short time; but the more you see your child in these sort of scenarios, the more you will get to know the signs, responses and reactions. Once our children become a little bit older, the more aware they become between the idea of right and wrong. We can begin to teach our children about honesty from that point on, praising them for telling the truth and mirroring such values.
Adults are often partial to fibbing, too! If children catch on to this, we have to ask ourselves what message are we giving them. Harmless as they may be, if you are caught out put your hands up and acknowledge it, admitting that you made a mistake, for actions speak louder than words! It’s good for our children to hear us say sorry, too, from time to time!
How to manage when your child deliberately tells fibs
In many parenting scenarios, where we feel frustrated and our patience is running thin, I always encourage parents to keep calm. I know it’s easier said than done; however, if we overreact, it can turn into a much bigger issue leaving everyone upset for a longer period of time. If you find that telling fibs has become a habit for your child, and you’ve spoken to it about them on numerous occasions, it might be easiest to decide on a consequence for their actions.
When confronting your child about their fibs, give them the opportunity to tell the truth and at the same time give one warning about what may happen if they continue to fib - for example, going to bed a little earlier, not watching their favourite TV programme or missing out on the evening treat after dinner. Choose a consequence that is meaningful to them. Be consistent in your message, and follow through while also emphasising the importance of telling the truth. The story about ‘the boy who cried wolf’ is a great way of teaching our children about this value.
When you do hear and see your child making an effort at telling the truth, acknowledge and praise this: it gives them that positive attention and shows them that you are serious about what you say and that you’re proud of them. Giving our children that time to talk and be listened to will really benefit and encourage communication with one another. If our children know that we will listen to them, they are more inclined to approach us when they need guidance or encouragement and may not feel the need to tell fibs to get our attention anymore.
Aoife Lee, Parent Coach for Giraffe Childcare
