Parenting can be tough going - especially as we go through the early years hoping that we are making the right decisions, saying the right things, and feeling assured that our children are happy and content.
 
There is no one right or wrong way to parent and, as we know, every child and their families are different. When managing the variety of parenting challenges life brings, what may work with one family may not be as effective for yours, and this is fine. However, all children need boundaries - it is necessary for us as parents to create expectations, house rules, and help our children to understand which behaviours are tolerated and which ones are simply unacceptable. Start as you mean to continue, be consistent and, as always, the earlier you start, the better! When our child hits out - whether it’s at us or another child - it can be hard to see where to start in order to fix this? I will take you through some simple ideas on understanding why children hit out, and how to respond when they do.
 
 
Understanding why
From about the age of 18 months, your child will become more aware of themselves and their feelings. Between the ages of two and three, they understand the difference between what is right and wrong; they can distinguish between what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviours. Toddlers and pre-schoolers can become easily frustrated if things just don’t go their way, if they are out of their routine, or if they are not prepared for what’s going on.
 
Children begin to push and test the boundaries, which is a natural part of your child’s development, and there are so many reasons why this might happen. Sometimes, if a child’s language has not developed well enough yet, one of their means to communicate frustration can be hitting (out). As we know, children adore attention – positive or negative - and they learn that 'if I hit, I will get my parents' time and attention, and that’s OK by me'.
 
Some children often dislike having another child in their personal space, so they will do whatever they can to encourage the other child to move away. It can be difficult for smaller children, because so much happens in their day that they have no control over; so, often, any negative behaviour we see is their way of expressing frustration or trying to get their own way. If you do find that your child is hitting out all of a sudden, look at the context and consider if anything in particular might have triggered this behaviour; then, decide how to approach it.
 
 
Create expectations and a plan of action
It’s really important to set the bar when it comes to our children’s behaviours. As soon as any negative behaviours start, I always suggest to ‘nip it in the bud’ as early as possible. Young children rely a lot on our body language and tone of voice, the calmer and firmer you are, the more manageable the situation will be. Get down to your child’s level so that they know you are present and with them, and try to encourage eye contact while gently taking their hand. Use only a few words as the more we say, the less they will listen. Be clear, and say “no hitting, hitting is not allowed in this house, can you hear my words?”. The tone you use is one of the most important parts of any given parenting situation; you are asserting yourself, letting your child know you are very serious.
 
At the same time, show your child what it’s like to be gentle, fair and consistent. Be soft in your approach, as children can learn from imitation and repetition. Don’t be put off if you try this and there is no response - your child will get the message once you stay constant with the message you give.
 
 
Special time and praising the gentle behaviours
Whether your child is hitting, biting or kicking; it’s always a good idea to try and break the cycle as soon as possible. From my experience, the more time focused on negative behaviours means the less time we give to positive attention.
 
Make time to have one-on-one time with your child so that you both have an opportunity to enjoy each other’s company. Be aware of your own words, notice when your child is being gentle and kind (I call this ‘catching the moments’). Acknowledge their behaviour by saying something like: “You are being so gentle with your hands, I love that about you” – the more time we invest in the positive behaviours, the less our children come looking for the negative attention.
 
We can also encourage new learning by teaching them alternative ways to express their frustration. There is a children’s book called Hands Are Not For Hitting by Martine Agassi, which uses simple words and full-colour illustrations to teach these important concepts about behaviour in a way that very young children can understand.
 
Managing behaviours is not just about taking one way and going with it; it takes time by using a collaboration of positive communication, a practical hands-on approach, lots of kind words, patience and deep breaths!
 
Aoife Lee, Parent Coach for Giraffe Childcare

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