Having your newborn baby taken from you to the NICU robs you of the emotional bonding experience you could have had. Instead, you are left with the stress, worry and guilt associated with being the parent of a premature child. You will be jealous of other parents with “normal” babies who can get into their childcare routines right away, instead of waiting for their baby to come out of NICU. Sadness is common among preemie parents due to the trauma their child has gone through and for their own worries about the future.
Stressing over why it happened, what to do in the future, and questioning the fairness of it all are probably thoughts that are reoccurring during this time. You may even feel guilty about feeling sorry for yourself when your child is actually doing better than others in the NICU. While these thoughts and emotions are not nice to deal with, they are normal among preemie parents. Instead of feeling bad about having them, you should accept them and start confronting and dealing with them. This is an internal process, but also requires that you surround yourself with positive, reassuring people in your life.
The first step is to acknowledge your negative feelings and let them all pour out. Do this while you are alone for an hour or so. Let every bad thought and emotion run its course and allow yourself to feel sad and sorry about the situation. Once you've allowed yourself to feel all those conflicting, negative emotions, end the session with something positive. Tell yourself that you will get through the difficult time ahead.
The feelings you have about your preemie baby can surface at any time. Usually these feelings have a trigger. Identify what sets them off and avoid those situations, people, or conversations for a while. Some parents feel sad when they see commercials that feature “normal” newborns, others don’t like going to baby showers. Even your own family members can trigger negative reactions by asking the wrong questions or in some way “accusing” you for the premature birth.
Because this is such a difficult time for you, you need the support of caring people who aren't going to judge you in any way. Look for help and advice from a professional counsellor or from the resident social worker at the hospital if your baby is still in the NICU. You can also get help by joining a support group for new parents with preemie parents as part of the group. There are also help lines and online communities and forums you can join.
If you find that you simply cannot cope with certain situations, such as family gatherings with lots of children or baby showers then decline to attend. Save yourself stress and grief and admit that it is too much for you to deal with at these gatherings. Let people know that you need reassurance in conversations, not questions and statements that cause anxiety and nervousness. Let your partner help out by screening out potential problems with people on your behalf. All these things are done to protect yourself against extra worry, stress and anxiety. You need to be in a positive state of mind so that you can stay strong and have enough energy to look after yourself and your baby.
