As our children grow and develop socially and emotionally, this has an impact not only on their day-to-day interactions with the adults in their life, but also the friendships they make. These important interactions encourage play with other children, your child’s own independence, self-esteem and, very importantly, their social skills. For many children, mixing with others and making friends can be effortless, whether it starts during pre-school into the early school years; for others, it can be more of a struggle. Sometimes, the difficulty can start with sharing toys at home or in crèche, shying away during a busy playdate, or finding it tricky to engage with other children. For a parent, this can be upsetting to watch and hear about as we always want our children to be happy and content in whatever they do. As you know, we can’t always have that control over their interactions or maintaining of friendships, but what we can do is support, encourage and guide them as best we can.
Stages of friendships: What to expect
Often when we know what to expect from our children developmentally, it gives us a better sense of what is typical for their age and how they may develop their interactions with other children. I will take you through these developmental stages through the younger years up to early primary school, and from there outline a few ideas of how we parents may help! Of course, these developmental stages are just guidelines, and every child will reach them at different stages.
From 13 months to two years
Our tiny tots-to-toddlers prefer adult company to other children at this stage, although they will happily and actively join in play with their older siblings. This is often referred to as ‘solitary play’, so the child will play alone regardless if there are other children with them.
From two to three years
At this stage, children begin to embark in ‘parallel play’. They will listen to one another, play side-by-side, and be interested in similar toys; but they do not share, believing everything is theirs! This, as we know, can be the start of something new and different – fighting for what they feel is their own.
From three to five years
Children at this age are becoming more in control of their emotions; they form their first friendships, and their ability to play with others improves. From age four, children can become very competitive, insisting on rules for everything! They are more aware and have preference to 'boy' vs. 'girl' toys.
From five to six years
This is typically when our children start school. They have that ability to manage feelings and social situations more independently, often without seeking the parent for help. Being accepted by friends is very important to them, so fitting in can be a big deal. They are gaining self-esteem all the time.
Supporting your child in making and maintaining friendships
Encouraging one-to-one playtime
Pre-schoolers are generally quite content with their parent organising who they play with, and where. Often it’s our friends’ children, cousins, neighbours or their little pals from crèche or pre-school they are mixing with. From the time they start school, our children may have a preference as to who they want to spend their time with, particularly if they have similar interests.
One-to-one playtime is often better, particularly if your child needs extra support and encouragement when learning to share and take turns. Additional children can sometimes be a little overwhelming for young children and for the parent, too - especially if their child has a tendency to hit out, or if there is competition between the children. By being in the background, you can observe and keep an eye on these interactions; however, if you feel that there is a need for your support, it’s important that you can lend that time by shadowing them or simply guiding them, using phrases like ‘be gentle with your friend’ or ‘it’s time to swap toys now’ or ‘we all share in this house’. These occasions allow you to see your child’s friendships build, particularly if you see a connection when together.
Positive playtime builds on friendships
For your child to build confidence in their friendships, it’s important to set up the experience as best you can beforehand. Firstly, tune in to your child to see who they appear to get on well with and suggest making a time to play together. Plan with your child, for example, the kind of activities or toys they might like to play with - you might also like to ask them if there is something particularly special to them that they might just not want to share, and put it away. Structure it so that there is plenty to do, with snacks and some time outside for fresh air. Keep the playdate short and sweet; children manage shorter periods for play better. If the playdate is too long, they can be tired and all played out! If you do feel they are getting irritable with one another, encourage sharing, or distract if needs be.
Remember that every child is different when it comes to socialising and what they are able for. It’s hard not to compare with others, particularly if the children are the same age; although they will go through every milestone at some stage, it may vary from one child to the next when they do.
Aoife Lee, Parent Coach for Giraffe Childcare
