What is shared parenting? Do you do it, or know someone who does?
‘Shared Parenting’ is a term that describes parenting of a child by parents who have separated. Some might see shared parenting as a situation where every aspect of parenting is shared 50:50, but in reality, shared parenting takes many, many forms. For some children, it can mean that their parents are very amicable towards one another; they may live close to each other, and equally share every aspect of parenting. In other shared parenting situations, children may spend more of their time with one parent − perhaps spending time with their other parent at weekends or holidays − and both parents are financially supporting the children and making joint decisions about their lives.
There are children who see one parent perhaps only 5-10 percent of the time. This parent may provide little financial support or input into decisions that affect the child but, nonetheless, they are still involved in the child’s life. It could mean that the parents are aiming to share the parenting of their child in the future. For many reasons, this could be the best plan for the child in this family; not every parent is in a position to parent well on a full-time or 50:50 basis.
Parents who are in shared parenting situations often may not realise that this may be the term that describes what they are trying to do. Children need language that helps them to understand their family form and how to explain it to others. Keeping the complicated issues simple is the key to supporting young children to understand and accept that every family form is unique.
As adults we know that shared parenting can be one of the most complicated and challenging forms of parenting, but children do not know this. After all, there are two parents trying at different levels to parent a child in all kinds of family forms. It looks different in every home. What two families do it the same?
There are some guidelines for parenting who are sharing parenting that can help to ensure a positive outcome for children:
1. Develop a Shared Parenting Plan with the support of a mediator.
2. Work out a positive way to communicate. It is impossible to raise children in silence. Positive, assertive communication is key to good parenting.
3. Remember, you are doing all of this for your child. You are a parent; it is not about the other person. Take a deep breath and remember to draw the circle and put your child in the centre. It will help you to focus, and remind you that it is about your child and what they need from you.
4. Keep your emotions out of your parenting relationship with the other parent. Yes, this may seem easier said than done, especially when dealing with hurt or anger. However, when sharing parenting, you are in the business of parenting. Seek emotional support elsewhere to deal with any challenges this will present to you.
5. Seek professional support such as counselling if you have not yet dealt with the grief of the separation. It is crucial that you can let go of the hurt and move on with your life. Not every relationship works out, sometimes even if we try really hard, but life goes on and good things happen. Allow your child to experience you as a happy confident parent, moving on in life.
6. Self-care is essential. You need to have the patience to deal with the challenge of sharing parenting. There will always be a requirement to negotiate and reach compromise. You can do this if you look after yourself well, so that you have sufficient energy to work with the other parent.
7. Moving from parenting together with someone in one home, to sharing parenting in two homes, changes everything. This can often be a very positive move for many. Think about what type of parent you want to be and why. Be clear with boundaries. Be strong for them. Be confident in your role. Get support through parenting groups and online forums.
8. Talk with your child openly about your family form. Answer the questions they ask. Raise topics with them. Talk about diversity. Share with them. Don’t make it a secret. Don’t presume they know. Answer the questions over and over and over until they really understand. It can take children at least 3 years to understand and process a family separation.
9. Be open and be prepared for the transitions that can follow family separation such as new relationships, new siblings, step-parents, step-siblings, etc. Don’t leave it to the other parent to talk with your child. Empower your child to ask questions, and support them to understand. Tell them they are loved in both homes and both families. See the positives - even when you have to dig really deep.
10. Family is so much; children are open to it all, so as parents we need to be open with them.
Geraldine Kelly is Director of Children and Parenting Services at One Family. One Family have launched Ireland's first National Shared Parenting Survey and would like those who are sharing parenting to have their say. Thousands of children in Ireland experience shared parenting arrangements but little information exists on the realities for these families. The information captured by One Family's survey can inform policies, services and laws to better support shared parenting families in the future. The survey is anonymous and should take less than ten minutes. Take the survey here.
