There is no right or wrong way when dealing with a strong-willed and very determined child! As we know, every child is unique in personality and temperament, even if they are among a family of siblings. Most parents talk about the different characters in their family; some children are quite placid, easy-going, will push the boundaries from time to time but overall will go with the flow. While it adds to the fun of family dynamics, there is always the child who simply will not take 'no' for an answer! Their healthy stubbornness and unwavering mission to get what they want rarely go unnoticed; that’s when we, as the parent or carer, need to try to be one step ahead all the time, but that is often not the case, and we are often trying to catch up!
Setting expectations
No matter how many children we have or what kind of character they hold within a family, it is so important that we create a good set of clear expectations so our children know where they stand when it comes to the family boundaries and routines. For example, demonstrate to your child what positive behaviour is, and tell them what is simply unacceptable in their daily interactions, from dealing with how we treat those around us to table manners at mealtimes. Instilling regular and predictable bedtime routines also allows our children see that we encourage structure while maintaining positive habits that become part of family life. As every parent knows, these expectations we set will be regularly pushed by our children; indeed, parenting would not be what it is if our children didn’t press those buttons! It is very natural and normal for our children to test the boundaries, as they want to see if we mean what we say. It’s often at this point that parents go one way or the other; we soften and give in to our child’s wants by not following through on what was previously said (an easier option, and one that we are all too familiar with!) or we stick to the structure and routine and end up in an argument!
The trick when saying no
Habits can develop quickly, whether they reflect positive or negative behaviours. Once our children get used to a certain way of doing things, it usually falls into place and becomes part of the daily routine. However, if we show any sign of doubt, children can pick up on these inconsistencies and become confused about the boundaries or limits. There is no question that when a child wants something they cannot have, they will eagerly persist, particularly if they are determined. As their parent and teacher, it is important that whatever decision you make – stick to it. More often than not, your child will push or resist to a point where their behaviour starts to unravel; this is when it’s easier to give in so all will quieten down. Although it’s a short-term gain, this can often determine how they will respond the next time – which will be with the same persistence. For example, ‘I know how much you want that yogurt, but it’s too close to dinner - when you finish your dinner, then you can have it’. Follow through and weather the storm - it’s the only way our children will see that we are serious and that their behaviour will not influence your decision.
Giving positive instructions
I don’t need to tell you that it’s OK to say 'no' to our children, but how you say it can have a more lasting impact. Giving children positive instructions – telling them what you want them to do rather than what you don’t want them to do - provides a more natural choice. For example, if your child has a tendency to run off once they get out of the car, try to prepare them in advance and be very clear on how you would like them to leave the car. Start by telling them what you want them to do, show your assertiveness - not only verbally but non-verbally, too. Try saying, ‘When I take you out of your seat, I want you to stay beside me until we are ready to walk - do you hear what I am saying?’. By saying something like, ‘I want you to hold my hand, you can then run in the area we agreed on, OK?’ tells your child when it will be safe to run on their own. Be mindful of the firm but calm tone you use, as well as try to crouch down to their level. Be patient! If you are changing your approach, expect resistance at first, but once you see that your child is following your lead – thank them for listening.
Giving reasons children understand
Between the ages of 1-4 years old, young children are learning the ability to understand the cause and effect of their actions, or learn from the past behaviours; and they naturally feel that the world revolves around them! They are consistently learning from observing and listening. Try to give your child the reasons; this is the key to helping children understand what we are teaching them. Young children need to know why; they need to understand why things do and do not happen. They need to know how their behaviour affects others, and why some choices are better than others. To help children understand these ‘whys’, parents must give reasons - for example, “Thank you for listening to Daddy, it’s really important that you stay close to me, so I can keep you safe from the road. If you run out, you could get hurt”.
Even with a few bumps along the way, the more predictable and consistent you are with your parenting style, the more your daily routines and boundaries will be accepted as part of family life.
Aoife Lee, Parent Coach for Giraffe Childcare
