Exams are stressful. No matter how prepared you are, or how intelligent you are, having to prove yourself in less than three hours is stressful; having to do this twice daily for up to two weeks is simply a test of stamina.
I often hear parents saying that their children are very laidback and not stressing about the examinations at all – I call their bluff. The reality is that we are all rather good at hiding our emotions, but they manifest in some way, just not always in a recognisable way. Teenagers are particularly talented at hiding emotions – you may relate to the standard ‘fine’ teen response.
However, our childhood suicide rates show that Irish children are far from ‘fine’ – with more girls aged five to 17 taking their own lives in Ireland than anywhere else in Europe; for boys of the same age, we have the second highest suicide rates in Europe. Of course, it certainly is a distinct minority of children who do take their own lives, but many of the parents of these children would have heard and believed the ‘I’m fine’ response too, as we inherently are not very good at saying ‘I’m not fine today – I need help.’
As your children embark on the toughest two weeks of their year, marked by the Junior and Leaving Certificate examinations, I invite you to incorporate some of the following tips into their journey, to help improve their chances of actually being ‘fine’.
1.Talk WITH them, not TO them
Before the examination, give them a chance to air their feelings about the day ahead. Ask how they are doing, what are they most looking forward to in the day ahead, what are they least looking forward to in the day ahead, what question they are feeling most confident about, what question they are feeling least confident about – these type of things are occupying their mind, so provide them with the opportunities to air the thoughts.
After the examinations is a vital time – where possible have someone at home with them during this time (a parent, a relative, a neighbour, a peer, a pet - anyone!) so that the reflections of the day are not done alone. The bio-chemical come-down following a high intensity day is rather difficult – it’s met with feelings of deflation, low mood, confused thoughts, and little energy to process these thoughts and move onto the next examination. Questions like the morning ones can be helpful to a student trying to process the day, particularly questions that tap into the person's feeling rather than the facts of the day.
You don’t need to offer any advice, just be a sound board to bounce back the child’s thoughts and feelings.
2. Refrain from joining the ‘you will be fine’ club
As parents, we have an inherent need to fix things: your child presents a problem or a negative emotion, and you need to remedy it as quickly as is physically possible. However, sometimes people just need to sit with the negative feeling; rationalise it out. This is much more effective that dismissing it out loud, but then being left with it in your mind to resolve without assistance.
Take the time to listen to where your child is at and how they are feeling – refrain from trying to change their opinions or feelings.
For example: a distressed student comes home from day one of examinations, saying "I failed English - that’s it, I’m never going to get into college, my life is over". You have two options here – the first is to dismiss their feelings and remedy the situation, for example, saying "You didn’t fail your English, don’t be so silly, you’ll be grand"; the second is to acknowledge their feelings and help them to remedy the situation themselves, saying "So, from today’s paper, you feel that you failed it", or "You feel that 60% of what you wrote was incorrect, is that right?", or "Your biggest fear right now seems to be ‘never’ getting into college – tell me about that".
3. Encourage and support
Like anyone having a bit of a tough time, children doing examinations need encouragement and support, the combination of which can enhance the person’s well-being at this stage.
They are engaging in a difficult process; they do need encouragement to feel that they can do it, that they are not doing it alone, that the end is in sight, and that you believe in them. Sometimes, parents are afraid to encourage, as they don’t want this to be misinterpreted as putting pressure on them; however, people need encouragement to feel that what they are doing is worthwhile, and that someone cares about them at the time when they need it. I always say, encourage from your heart, not from your head, to ensure that your child feels it in their hearts, not as another pressure in their minds.
To support them during this time, do a few small things to make them feel special. Making their favourite dinner, buying in their favourite biscuits, running them a warm bath, treating them to a massage, making their bed, doing some of their chores, having comfortable clothes ready for when they get home, having some candles lit, having a fire on, having some hot chocolate - the possibilities are endless. You will know what is an ultimate comfort treat for your teen.
4. Take some time to clear the mind
If you have never practiced mindfulness or meditation, now is the time to start. Help you child to clear out their mind to make room for what is to come. You can do this by creating a quiet space, and simply focusing on breathing. Ideally, lie on the floor with a yoga mat if you have one, placing the body, feet and hands flat against the mat then breathing, expanding the breaths to raise the belly up as high as possible when breathing in, and releasing the breath as slowly as possible when exhaling. Focusing the mind on the breath is the easiest introduction to mindfulness. If you are feeling adventurous, you can find a wealth of guided meditations on the internet, however I would advise listening to these when awake and upright first to make sure they are appropriate to your needs throughout.
5. Make 'play' a mandatory part of the day
The benefits of play are endless, for children, teenagers, and adults alike. Play can mean something different to everyone – the most important aspects of a play activity is that it is free and non-directed, thus allowing the person to be who they need to be in the play space. Find what type of play your teenager may enjoy, and engage in it with them. It could be kicking a ball around, going for a run, browsing online shops, playing a board game, sketching, painting, creating, baking, gardening, cycling – basically anything! There is room in every day for play!
